A jaded Spoof Writer, bored and with nothing to do, decided to sign up for a White House tour as something he felt he had to do before this too was denied the American Public.
Imagine his surprise, while standing peacefully in the queue, when he was plucked out at random by a rather large crew cut man wearing an all black suit, black shirt, black tie, black and white saddle shoes, and carrying a pair of Glocks cocked and locked.
The writer, dressed casually in jeans and polo shirt, was escorted politely to a back door in the White House identified only by the bold sign, "Trade Entrance'.
It finally dawned on the by now dazed and confused citizen that since he was a white anglo saxon, he had been assumed to be part of the 'hired help' and expected to not show his face at the front door.
Before he could explain himself, he was ushered into the kitchen where he was directed to a large pile of potatoes, and handed a peeler made in China.
"Get to work, Boy, " said his handler, in a not unfriendly manner. "We've been waitin' on you, the ACORN luncheon is scheduled for 1315, approximately 1 hour from now....just enough time to get those taters peeled cooked and served!"
The writer, suddenly realized this was the opportunity of a life time...inside the White House Kitchen.....without a pass....and a chance to see behind the scenes action!
He peeled diligently, remembering his days in the mess hall during basic training, no one could peel taters like him....he was done in no time at all!
His job finished, he idly looked around for a rest room to tidy up, and found himself walking down a long hall way where he finally found a door that said
'Men'. Entering the room he found a lavish lavatory with granite countertops, private stalls with bidets, an attendant handing out towels, and wound up standing at a urinal next to....THE VICE PRESIDENT!
"Holy Hair Transplants," he said to himself, Joe Freakin' Biden his ownself...pissin' next to me ...and having a hard time of it I do declare!"
"Fuckin' Prostate," murmured the VP, glancing over to the writer looking for sympathy who gratefully was not tapping his feet in nervousness.
"A little pussy twice a week sometimes helps," blurted the writer, 'relieves tension and stuff....probably should try it if you've got the time."
"Hate cats," said the VP conversationally, "hope I can make it through this luncheon meeting without wetting my pants!"
"Whatever you do, " said the writer, " don't even think about Niagara Falls, a soothing hot tub, and never, never watch the staff pouring your water!"
"Thanks, Son, " said the VP, " Say hey, why don't you sit next to me at lunch to help keep my mind of my pissing problem...I'll just have them move your seating arrangement next to mine, right between me and Sambo...ever met the President before when you worked for ACORN in Chicago?"
"Never had the pleasure," the writer said, thinking fast, " but then being white there probably was no occasion when I would have had the opportunity with all that community organizing and stuff."
"Huuumph...got that right I guess...I hardly get in to see the man anymore myself...got to go through a bunch of mumbo jumbo with 3 witch doctors to get in to see him.....pisses me off!"
With that the VP and the Writer shook off a few drops, zipped up, washed up, dried up, and shoulder to shoulder headed off for the Executive Dining Room.
The rest as they say is History. You've probably seen it on U-Tube, Face Book and Fox News by now; pictures everywhere, me, Barry and Joe smiling for the camera over a plate of grits, collards and hog jowls, and later receiving one of
the pens Barry used to countermand the constitution and declare Martial Law.
Wow, what a day....but I am sorry for all the trouble it caused Joe, the social secretary and the entire Secret Service Staff....God knows there's enough unemployment without me unwittingly adding to it...but I know they have a great pension to cover them for the rest of their lives.
Meanwhile, back in my apartment I had the Washington Post Front Page framed and it's hanging over my pull out sofa:
" Spoofer Penetrates State Luncheon with Obama & Biden and Receives $150k
Federal Grant to Study Growing Daffodils in December! VP and entire White House Staff Sacked, Obama moves nation's Capitol to Chicago as Security Measure!"
Only in America!