MOSCOW Russia - According to my source, Private Ruskysnitch, secret police in Russia have contacted nine bums suspected of killing a man with aspartame and selling his parts to a kebab diner.
Their statement said that the suspects had targeted the 52-year-old victim out of "intellectual curiosity". They wanted to see if the lethal dose of aspartame was the same as the equivalent of 10 times that of methyl alcohol, since aspartame is 10 percent methyl alcohol by weight.
"After drugging the man with aspartame until he died from it, the corpse was dismembered. Parts of it were sold to a kebab diner," according to my source.
Customers who ate the aspartamed human flesh on kebab sticks complained of too much sweetness and a bitter after taste. However, they said the taste grows on you and will seek out this same dish again, if available. In fact, they said they would kill for it.