Written by Rodd Justice
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Thursday, 4 April 2002

image for How to Prevent Car Jacking
Keep one in your glove compartment

How to protect yourself, and your property, from the So Squalid Crew.

Step 1: Keep aware at traffic lights and other road junctions for suspicious blacks with their eyes on your nice things.

Step 2: When the rotter gets around to car-jacking you, wind your window down further. Yes, further - but make sure your post-Gabriel Genesis CD is turned up very high. This will put off the robber, but will also clear all nearby traffic if turned up loud enough.

Step 3: If your Rolex is stolen, then stop and think. Should I be wearing a £50,000 piece of show-off time-keeping, when a small, subtle £5.99 one will fulfil the exact same function, without you looking like a pompous elitist moron?

Step 4: Renounce the class system by tooting your horn four times, yelling "smash the state."

Step 5: Open fire on the robber (you may wish to use your gun/crossbow for this), and don't let him get away with any limbs functioning. Although this is very criminal, the right-wing tabloid press, who'll support you wholeheartedly through your court case, will applaud you, but within minutes of your conviction, you'll be yesterday's news.

Step 6: Rot in prison for 10-15 years, becoming bitter and twisted. Develop a drug habit, and learn how to make a pulveriser out of a bedpost and a brick. Spend every night crying yourself to sleep, mumbling "I'm innocent, I tell you?"

Step 7: Ignore steps 1-6 (I say this for legal reasons).

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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