Written by Morse
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Topics: Magic

Thursday, 20 August 2009

image for Magician Faces Sexual Assault Allegations When Penis Magically Appears in Wrong Box!
Goldmember's Best Pickup Line: Wanna see my fuckin rabbit?

The world famous magician Buck Goldmember has come acropper with yet another charge of rape by a 22 year old aspiring model allegedly duped into accompanying the illusionist to his private island for a personal interview.

Reports leaking out from the island paradise indicate that nubile Katrina X as she is identified in police reports, innocently responded to an invitation to the magician's $50m private and very remote island retreat after meeting him at a magic convention in Las Vegas where the 52 year old entertainer was engaged by Rahm Emanuel in pulling a new universal health care plan out of the asses of American Taxpayers...live and on stage in plain sight of the US Media.

Impressed by his slight of hand, Katrina reported she enthusiastically accepted Buck's invitation to spend a few days with him at his home, which has no extradition treaty with the US, and discuss the possibility of becoming his newest assistant, the last assistant now being pregnant when yet another hat trick went awry.

Katrina said things were going well during a lovely candlelight dinner, surround sound romantic music, and only turned nasty when the slight of hand artist suggested they retire to the master bedroom to watch a CD of his greatest magic tricks.

Goldfinger, noted for making a 727 disappear on live TV, was known during his career to be the best in the business for allowing audiences to only see what he wanted them to see, and pulling things out of thin air.

Reports have surfaced recently that the aging magician may be losing his magical powers, as well as his virility with rumours swirling that regarding his levitation tricks, "he could no longer get it up ", rumours still unconfirmed but deemed reliable from San Francisco insider press reports, but not in a gay way.

"One minute everything was o.k." said a plaintive Katrina," he was really making me laugh with his live gerbils appearing from out of his ass, pigeons flying out from his cuffed shirt, and rare orchids appearing from behind his ears. The next thing I know I was being restrained somehow by a strange type of force, my clothes mysteriously disappeared and my vagina was being penetrated by this big magical energizer bunny that he called "Pete" his magical fucking rabbit!"

A deposition obtained by the Spoof went on to describe Katrina's side of the story where she admitted, " it really was the most ethereal thing I had ever experienced, and it also felt good! But I certainly did not authorize Mr. Goldmember to have sex with me. I felt violated, but maybe it was from the result of mixing Ecstasy with the Champagne we had before dinner."

Efforts to contact Mr. Goldmember were futile, and a public search of his residence and extensive warehouse containing the accessories for the over 5,000 illusions he was noted met with no results.

Constable John "Big Johnson" Marley said the search would continue, but he added, "Mon, that little white fucker probably made himself disappear in plain sight!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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