Written by Skoob1999
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Wednesday, 22 July 2009

image for Terminally Ill Tosser In Lazarus Scenario
Come On Kenneth - You Know You Wanna...

A wanker, who everybody thought was dead after throwing one over the knuckle in his death throes at LA Memorium Hospital, (almost completely ruining the expensive Rodeo Drive bought lacy black bra of Welsh actress from The Valleys Catherine Zeta Jones, forcing a chest inspired kleenex issue,) came back to life today, after being pronounced dead by doctors.

Supposedly terminally ill tosser, Armand Flickwrist, who gave a Paris address on admission, made a full recovery in the morgue, sitting suddenly bolt upright as he was about to be loaded into a refrigerator, reportedly shouting :

"THAT'LL FUCKIN' DO FOR ME! ZETA JONES EH? FUCKIN' GEDDIN THERE!"

Bored mortuary attendant, Harper Lee Himes, (22) of Letsby Avenue, South Central LA, told us:

"I wuz jess bout to roll the fuckah inna the fridge when he done fuckin' sit up! What a asshole! He started in on dis CZJ thang, all extatic an shit. So I bopped da muddafucker upside da hey-ed wit da morgue mallet.* Din mek no diffrence. MoFo den start whackin his self. So ah hit 'im wit' da mallet agin. But he wouldn't stop talkin bout tits. In da endgame scenario I tookst im back to da ward fo da dox ta deal wit. I had nuffa diss sheeit. Ah QUIT!"

We managed to glean a comment from Flickwrist, who told us in a distinctly ENGLISH accent:

"It were reet good that were. Slingin' a string on CZJ's pups. Friggin' great! A telled me fatha A'd mek it! Oo'd a thewt it? Me jazzin' on CZJ's top set. Fuckin geddin!"

We asked Flickwrist what his plans would be now he's been resurrected from the dead. He told us:

"A reckon a'd reet like ter gi' that Miley Cyrus one up the back gate. Might shut her up for a bit. Fuckin' gobshite she is. If A were wi er she'd be too fuckin busy tekkin portion ter conduct interviews. Aye, A reckon. Either her or that Chamone bint off Spoof.com Oh piss off, don't tell me she were a bloke all along...A'd never've believed it! Honest! Some people!"

Then, amazingly, Armand Flickwrist asked his inquisitors a question:

"Wheer's thy lads off to now like? Down nearest pub I'd wager. Can Ah come too?"

At which point we made our excuses and fucked off.

Always remember Dear Reader, that our first and foremost responsibility is to keep YOU, the reader informed.

We apologise for the dialect/slang based content within this news bulletin, and promise to never revisit this territory. We consider it to be repugnant.

And a set-dresser on Connurbation Street promised us unlimited access to Blanche giving on-screen Son in Law Ken a blow job through a hole in a wall.

Apparently they've been shagging like rabbits for years.

The dirty old bastards.

This Spoof reporting team is looking for a better job. Like writing shit for Zit-Face Magazine.

Until such time....

More As We Get It.

* Morgue Mallet - Heavy wooden hammer-like object used for making sure funeral parlour clients are properly dead. Generally used to subdue the undead by head trauma.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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