Vatican City, Vatican - The Pope, infallible head of the Catholic Church, has been punished by God for committing an "Impure Act" by having his wrist miraculously broken. Although the impure act has not been described, it seems that the wrist in question was involved.
God has been noted for meeting out poetic justice on Popes: Pius XII famously had terrible trouble with his foreskin for failing to help God's Chosen People during World War II. Several Medieval Pontiffs died from "canker of the fundament," it is recorded, for their unholy interest in that area.
It has long been known that God is in space and only sees things that happen under High Christian orbital paths. The Pope has access to when the extra-terrestrial deity is overhead and can carry out "Sub-Catholic" activities at other times. Unfortunately it seems that Holy Mission Control got their sums wrong and Pope Benedict XVI was allegedly observed reading "One-Handed Nun Literature" by his immediate superior.
The Holy Father, spiritual leader to one billion faithful, is no stranger to the "Sin of Onan", it appears. Records relating to his service in the German Wehrmacht in WWII refer to frequent "Un-Aryan Acts" and a rebuke on his permanent record saying "You salute your fuehrer with that hand?"
A spokesman for rival Christian organisation The Church of England suggested Catholics "Should consider where that hand has been the next time they receive a Papal blessing."
More papal bull as it emerges.
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