Written by Ryan Durham
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Topics: masturbation, Wanker

Wednesday, 20 March 2002

image for Masturbation=Bad??
Every time you masturbate...God kills a kitten. Think before you spink.

That's right people. A new study by the institute of Pointless Research has found that every time a person masturbates, they in fact, manage to kill a kitten.

The study took 70 people, male and female, randomly kidnapped from the street and had them masturbating 20 times a day for 6 weeks. The study showed that every time they had an orgasm, a kitten died.

The lead scientist, Dr Luis Van Tinkerbell explained how he first came up with the idea :
"Well, I live alone and masturbate a lot, one day after extremely stressful session, I got up to find my cat dead. I started working on this formula with the help of that twat, Prince Charles, who I have to thank for funding".

Some of the volunteers have died from the stress and Dr Van Tinkerbell is being sued for a total of £8,000,000.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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