Written by Simon Ellinas
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Topics: Art, Michelangelo

Monday, 4 March 2002

A recently-published book reveals that Renaissance painter, Michelangelo actually disappeared for three years. Albert Crust, author of 'Michelangelo Actually Disappeared For Three Years', explains:

"It was during the painting of the Sistine Chapel that this strange phenomenon was observed. While inside, the great artist was perfectly visible, but as soon as he stepped outside, he would disappear. This was at about the same time as when he was lying flat on his back, painting elaborate Italian landscapes. What happened was that drops of paint were falling on him. Thus a replica landscape was being transposed onto his very person, from head to toe. Consequently, whenever he went out into the real Rome, he would merge into the background, camouflaged, as he was, by his own paint.

"'Supernatural' incidents were widely reported during this time, but they abruptly ceased on the very day, three years later, that Michelangelo had a bath.

"He found it very difficult to get served in shops, as people would assume he was part of the wallpaper. Thousands of innocent people were put to death on charges of witchcraft for insisting they had heard Michelangelo's voice crying out 'For Christ's sake give me a pasty. I'm starving.'

"The wife of a nobleman found him relieving himself in her bathroom, but just assumed that her husband had decorated the walls and installed a water feature.

"Floating pork pies that appeared to eat themselves became common occurrences at picnics.
"Michelangelo tried to use his unusual ailment to improve his sex life. He found he was able to dispense with long, protracted courtships. All he had to do was to slip into the boudoir of any noblewoman (or man, for that matter) he fancied, pretend to be a new duvet and wait for the said individual to slip underneath him.

As such, he was often thrown out for being 'too lumpy' and washerwomen were always draping him over clothes lines and vigorously urging him back into shape with wicker blanket beaters.

"Eventually, the great artist decided that if his entire life was to be spent hungry, with numerous fractures in laundry baskets, he might as well come clean. So he had a bath."

Professor Crust is also the author of the acclaimed 'Van Gogh - The Missing Ear.'

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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