Written by Jake Novak
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Topics: Iraq, Security

Tuesday, 29 June 2004

image for U.S. Handover of Power in Iraq Assures Freedom and Security for Paul Bremer
"That's the Last Crappy Glass of Iraqi Water I'll Ever Have!"

"So long Suckers," says giddy former Administrator

(Baghdad, Iraq) With the U.S. decision to handover sovereignty to Iraq coming two days early, a new day is dawning -- not for the Iraqi people or 135,000 American troops stationed there, but for a jubilant U.S. administrator L. Paul Bremer.

"My personal nightmare is finally over," shouted an ecstatic Bremer to reporters trying to keep up with him as he hurried aboard an Air Force transport , "I knew our mission would be successful... yeah, right, whatever, I'm outta here" he added as he knocked down several elderly Iraqi airport workers on his way up the jet way.

"To me, handing over sovereignty to the Iraqi council means a lot," Bremer continued via cell phone moments after his plane took off, "but mostly it means I'll never have to go anywhere near that hell hole again! You gotta love the spoils of 'freedom,' right?"

Bremer's family expressed similar relief after hearing the news.

"Well, we're really glad that's over," said Bremer's wife Frances as she oversaw the servants untying the yellow ribbons from the 250 trees on the family's property in Virginia, "now we can get back to doing the normal things Paul and I like to do together, like horseback riding and maintaining our gated community's restrictive covenant."

Mrs. Bremer was especially candid about the facts behind her husband's service now that he's on his way home.

"Paul spent most of his life as a career diplomat, so when the Bush-Cheney fundraisers came calling in 2000 we only had a few hundred grand to fork over," she said. "Sure enough, instead of getting the prime assignments in Tahiti or Switzerland, Paul draws the short straw and gets Iraq. It's sad that so many more American boys will continue to die in the next 25 to 30 years we'll need to be over there, but the important thing is it's over for us," she concluded.

Bremer's future is uncertain, but he hinted he expects to have a successful career in the private sector.

"If you think Iraq is messed up, check out what most of my CEO colleagues have done to their companies over the last four years," Bremer boasted. Compared to Enron, WorldCom, and Tyco, my work looks pretty good right now," he added.

President Bush seemed equally happy with the news.

"The way this election is going, I'm going to need all my supporters state-side by November or I'm screwed," he said. "I wonder how long it would take to get Paul registered in Florida," he wondered aloud.

But for U.S. soldiers and the Iraqi people, the future is not as bright.

"Sure freedom reigns in Iraq, as long as you define 'freedom' as RPG fire and a parking lot full of car bombs," said staff sergeant Franklin Stubbs as he dodged sniper fire in downtown Baghdad. "Tell Mr. Bremer I'll be seeing him when I get back."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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