The discovery of the perfect "brown note", a low musical note which causes listeners to soil themselves, has brought joy to military leaders.
The note, which has been secretly worked on for 10 years, has been perfected by a team from, appropriately, the Gorbals University, Glasgow.
Playing the note loudly and projecting it over distance will make an opposing enemy lose control of their bowels with consequent loss of dignity and self-respect. It is also possible to relay the note from aeroplanes passing over enemy territory with the same result.
Exhaustive secret tests have been carried out in Afghanistan, with a 96% success rate.