Written by Kenneth Manboobs
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Tuesday, 22 June 2004

image for U.S. Amends Report to Show Rise in Terror
Pssst: Colin, turn it rightside up

WASHINGTON - Secretary of State Colin Powell is prepared to announce that the earlier reports stating that terror fell in the last calendar year were actually inaccurate. So inaccurate in fact that it appears the initial reports diametrically opposed the new findings.

Whereas the earlier report gives numbers indicating drops in deaths, incidents involving known terror groups, and a drop in the special "potpourri of bad stuff" category, Powell admitted the actual findings were somewhat opposite in all of those categories.

In a quick press briefing, Powell was quoted as saying, "We do recognize our errors in information processing and distribution to the general public."

He added that, "in actuality the numbers were all correct, it seems though that we were looking at the charts upside down."

The initial report was issued in April. On June 10, the State Department acknowledged the findings were inaccurate. "Whoops," said a top administration information guru.

Powell said there was no attempt to manipulate the figures to buttress Bush's argument. "President Bush does not lean on misinformation and shoddy slight of hand to make a clear case for his actions. It took you guys a few months to catch on to the fact that the charts were in fact upside down. In reality we could probably justify any action we wanted by throwing a simple Stats 101 question at the American public."

Powell then stammered around the room yelling, "Look at me I'm the Ameriken publik, I can't figure out a freggin' pie chart, but I know when my SUV is on ‘E'."

State Department spokesman Richard Boucher said the initial report was based "on the facts as we had them at the time. The facts that we had were wrong." At that point Boucher handed Democratic Rep. Henry Waxman of California a crisp twenty dollar bill and was overheard begging, "Double or nothing on Iran."

Among the mistakes, Boucher said, was that only part of 2003 was taken into account. In all the report was taken from a much smaller sample of days than the administration let on. Actually the findings were based on events surrounding only two nights during April of that year, between the hours of four and six a.m.

Before leaving, Sec. Powell made a starting revelation. "Well to be bitterly honest these two comparison charts simply take into account Carlos Delgado's batting average during the past two spring trainings. The blue line there accounts for split squad games"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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