Written by Chuck Barber
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Topics: Death, Truth

Wednesday, 16 March 2005

image for Sick Truth Behind Andre The Giant's Death
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Sex scientist and forensics expert Dr. Rudolph Lassaratte today announced the results of the ten year long autopsy of professional wrestler Andre the Giant, aka Andre Rene Roussimoff. Andre died January 27, 1993 and his autopsy took as long as it did, said Dr. Lassaratte, because he was so huge.

"People do not know," Dr. Lassaratte said, "just how large he had become there at the end. He stopped appearing in public the last two years of his life because he was undergoing a growth spurt. It hurt him to move about. As you know he had acromegaly a disease which makes one's bones grow forever. By the end he was twelve feet tall and weighed over two thousand pounds! It took forever just to pull out his guts and look at them all."

The official story put forth by fan magazines and wrestling promoters has Andre dying of heart failure in a hotel room. Dr. Lassaratte does not doubt that heart failure contributed to his death, but the direct cause he said is pervertism.

"Andre was a pervert. Plain and simple. He was huge and sex with women was not generally possible. As such he turned to other avenues for his loathsome gratification."

According to Dr. Lassaratte during the autopsy he discovered several unsettling facts. Andre's yard long, foot thick penis was bound with rough rope attached by roofing nails, and his rectum was packed closed with what appear to be several small human beings.

"The best I can figure it, Andre took his cue from the perverts who insert gerbils in their rectums to enhance their pleasure. Gerbils, to Andre, of course were nothing." He needed something larger and he found willing participants in the personal columns of the newspapers in the towns where he wrestled. Willing up to a point that is.

According to former friend and professional wrestler, Screaming JohnnyMac, "Andre lured them with lots of money then when he got his hands on them, it was all over. They never stood a chance. His ads always said petite and most of them were five foot tops and slender. They'd slide right up. The more they fought the better he liked it."

"There must have been six of them in there when he died." Dr. Lassaratte added. He would have been terrifically constipated. Anal blockage led to his death. It's a very sad story. And moreover, I doubt we'll ever know the identities of the persons he partially digested as he pleased himself."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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