Written by bonzodog64
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Topics: Movies, James Bond

Wednesday, 4 February 2009

image for "Shitfinger", New Bond film to pander to politically correct lobby

Following complaints of misogyny, racism and the perceived glorification of violence, the James Bond production team have been forced to rebrand their hero.

Says a spokesperson for "Dikes on bikes", (a sexual health and fitness club) "He's white, middle class, drinks, smokes, and slaps ladies around". "It's completely unacceptable in a progressive, liberal democracy that aspires toward inclusion and equality".

The production company has recently been sent reeling from a barrage of similar, stinging criticisms aimed at the faintly embarrassing archetypal stud from the Ian Fleming stable.

Quentin Umbongo from "queen for a day" the alternative lifestyle self esteem mobile support unit claimed that: "Bond should not be white, or for that matter any specific, ethnic group so we recommend he becomes grey and gay to represent aspects of all ethnic groups.

"Smoking and drinking are sending out all the wrong messages to impressionable young people so he should use a knife to be a more positive role model."

Timmy fudgepucker, the head of media at Bumphphuck Entertainments said that: "Bond is a tired middle class cliché from the cold war and should be rebranded as a 'happening dude' from the provinces, possibly with a skateboard.

"The guns and explosions are missing the target demographic and need to be replaced with aerosol paints or something more 'urban and wicked'. A unicycling Bond would be awesome", claimed Carlos Fandango at "Cupid Stunts" Media and PR Consultancy.

Dave Bland, responsible for shooting people in the head on tube trains when they outstay their visa's at the Metropolitan Police HQ claimed that: "We must not let impressionable young people think that firing seven shots into the head of an unarmed civilian on a tube train without any form of challenge is acceptable! Bond must lose the guns and pyrotechnics and embrace a more constructive and socially productive role, perhaps telesales? Modern policing needs to get alongside the international villain or maniac and offer a shoulder to cry on rather than pandering to stereotypical perceptions of the felon and their inevitable, clichéd demise.

"Tell the law transgressor (we don't like the term criminal as it sends out the wrong message, and has too many negative connotations) that we are there for them! I like to think of the modern crime fighter as, 'more of a helping hand than hand on a shoulder'."

"If Bond was on minimum wage he would soon lose his appeal to the ladies", claimed Keisha Kasha at the checkout in cut throat stores.

Ugly Dave in the warehouse said: "He needs a knock or two with the old ugly stick as well if he's to be taken seriously around my estate.To be fair, Bond enjoys giving people a kicking which is a popular pastime in my road. I fell through the ugly tree hitting every branch on the way down and it never did me any harm!"

Experts claim that former iconic images or products can be 'rebranded' to meet the values and ethos of contemporary society. A pertinent example might include, "Dr Strangelove "which became Doctor Strangelove, or, "how I learned to love the Bum".

The game of Chess is another success story of integration and equality when sixteen black and sixteen white playing pieces were integrated into thirty two non hierarchical and non combatitive gray pieces (all on the same side).

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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