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Topics: Michael Phelps

Sunday, 1 February 2009

image for Van Susteran to Michael Phelps: Is That a Bong in Your Speedo, Or Are You Just Happy to Meet Me!
From the Pool to the Gridiron? Phelps Considers Athletic Options.

Columbia, SC / Campus News Sporting News - Greta Van Susteran, back on the air after being rescued by Delta Force Commandos after being kidnapped by Johan Van der Sloot and given to Venezuelan Dictator Hugo Chavez by Vladmir Putin, continued to shock viewers with relentless questioning of FORMER Olympic Swimming Star Michael Phelps.

Phelps, after being feted world wide for winning 8 gold swimming medals in the Beijing games, was recently revealed to be a typical bong snorting, rude, crude and obnoxious American College Student addicted to binge drinking and generally making an ass out of himself, qualifying himself for an athletic scholarship.

Van Susteran, appearing none the worse for wear after her harrowing experiences detailed in an earlier Spoof Scoop, wasted no time in addressing the clean cut hero's heretofore spotless image, unlike Larry King who on an earlier interview asked the web footed swimmer where he bought his revealing swim suits, and asking if wearing suspenders with a pair would make him "uncool."

Greta, who reportedly spent 4 weeks as the Concubine to the Narco Dictator before her daring rescue, cuddled closer to the 6'4" cuddly swimming prodigal, who appeared on set wearing a revealing red Speedo and his 8 Olypic medals, while answering intimate questions.

Queries revolved around Phelp's well documented trip to a frat party where it is said he monopolized all the cool chicks.

A bystander said Phelps was not there to party with a heretofore secret squeeze, but on behalf of famous "Ball Coach" Steve Spurrier, who has been unable to field a winning team...mainly due to the fact that the aging Heisman Quarterback has been unable to find a quarterback with "character" to bring him back into the winning circle.

A spokesman for the Athletic Department, not authorized to speak on football or related drug matters, said Phelps had all the tools Spurrier has been looking for the last 4 years. Listed as desirable physical attributes are his 6'4 frame and arms that hang to his ankles with fingers that easily encompass the elusive pigskin twice over.

In addition, up to now, Phelps has been known as a role model, willing to attend class, not get into bar fights, or commit anti-social acts like "keying" a professors Jaguar auto car, acts attributed to the last highly touted QB enticed by Spurrier. That coddled STAR has managed to attend 4 hours of class in his turbulent 3 year undergraduate athletic contract, lose 15 games throw 42 interceptions, fumble 18 times, and be named in 4 paternity suits while running for one touchdown, and that was an accident when he stumbled and was pushed over the goal by two 350 lb linemen who tripped on their feet.

Callers to the show, most in their teens and early 20's, discounted Phleps' alleged transggressions, calling them "normal" in young people today.

The Advanced Ticketing Department said demand for Season football tickets have surged since the leak that Phelps may be attending, and plans are underway for a 25,000 seat stadium expansion funded by E-Z Rider Rolling Papers.

Phelps presented Van Susteran with a football jersey with the number 8, while Van Susteran seemed preoccupied with the College's nickname, "The Gamecocks", as she contined to stare at Phelp's silky covered crotch.

A cell phone photo of the talk show host with her hand in Phelps' Speedo and the headline "NEXT GAME COCK?" was down loaded to U-Tube shortly after the show went off the air Sunday night.

A Fox network executive said Van Susteran was unavailable for comment as she was attending a "pool party" sponsored by SEVERAL Boosters and was still traumatized after her sexual experiences suffered in Venezuela, where it is said she lost her virginity. The spokesman said she is responding to "therapy."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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