Written by Rusty
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Topics: Christmas, eBay

Monday, 29 December 2008

image for eBay Auctions Bonanza for Unwanted Xmas Gifts
The Holy Custard of Christ

Online auction website eBay is experiencing a post-Christmas business bonanza with people getting shut of unwanted Xmas gifts and other useless seasonal tat.

However, all that glitters is not gold and many items are drawing no serious tenders. Such is the case of a rejected Jeremy Clarkson petrolhead theme book gift, costing £25, and advertised at a starting price of 'one penny', which attracted zero bids.

In fact the useless lanky clot himself attracted but a single bid when put up for auction by Mrs. Clarkson in January this year, and that from a granny who wanted his scalp as a celebrity brillo pad memento.

A quick search on auction site eBay using the words 'Christmas', 'unwanted', 'crap' and 'tat' already brings up thousands of results. 12 year-old schoolgirls trying to sell off the Christmas deliveries of their lecherous Spring-time pregnancies.

Scores of cuddly rabbits, hamsters, guinea pigs, gerbils, aardvarks, kindles of kittens, litters of puppies : all of whom have by now blotted their proverbial copy books and become surplus to requirements.

Digitally-enhanced blow-up colour wall posters of cosmopolitan-theme inebriated group contribution Pavement Pizzas, freshly vomited around the perimeters of the Trafalgar Square fountains : starting bids of £5. Several hundred copies sold so far. Winning bidders should state with or without carrots.

With many eccentric relatives and limpet-like family friends only just departing this weekend after yet again wearing out their seasonal welcomes, many more people will soon be online to rid themselves of their unsolicited crap Christmas gifts. Socks by the million, gaudily-painted plaster of Paris figurines, silly slogans burned into sections of genuine orange box driftwood intended to hang behind the bog door. The list is endless.

A 100/1 scale model of the Forth Bridge complete with re-painting instructions. An actual clockwork giraffe: key missing. A deflowered Barbie the Nun doll, underwear ripped and torn: starting bid £10, now up to £3,280.

And just to confirm that the world is still as barmy as ever, from seller Mistress Messiah of Smegmadale Heights, the dried skin atop a bowl of custard, perfectly resembling the face of Christ as represented on the Shroud of Turin.

eBay reference: Item number: 360113272706 / THE HOLY CUSTARD OF CHRIST. (bowl included).

A startling 184,275 bids since Boxing Day. Auction closes 24:00 hours on New Year's Eve. Current bid £2,842,655:45p by Benny#16 of Rome.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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