Written by Madame Bitters
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Topics: Murder, Hillbillies

Monday, 1 December 2008

image for Neighbors Not at all Shocked to Learn One of Their Own is a Serial Killer.
Even the Possum Creek Police Agree Delbert Gomer was "a Right Good Neighbor."

Possum Creek, Alabama- The mystery of the whereabouts of several missing men was solved early Saturday morning. Repairmen from the Possum Creek Water Department found several buried bodies whilst trying to repair a busted watermain.

The corpses were discovered in the backyard of Delbert Gomer, 47 year old bachelor and sole owner of the house.

Unlike the acquaintences of every serial killer since the dawn of time, Gomer's neighbors weren't at all suprised when they heard about what he had been doing right under their noses.

"Hell, we all knew what was goin' on over there," says Gomer's next door neighbor Cyrus O'Malley. "I can't even count how many times me an' my wife saw Del diggin' up them dead bodies, havin' sex with 'em and then re-bury 'em."

When asked how many times he saw this, O'Malley became belligerant. "I done told you I can't count! Some of us had to be pulled outta second grade to help on th' family farm! But that don't make me no dummy, I know what I seen!"

Nellie McFagan, who lives directly across the street from Gomer has a similar story. "Everytime I saw Del, whether it was at WalMart buyin' rope an' duct tape or if it was in front of his picture window stranglin' a man with his bare hands, I got a cold chill down my spine. Every single time."

Rufus White, who lives behind Gomer elaborates: "I knew the first time I saw that murderin', faggoty pervert there was somethin' off about him. I couldn't figure out what it was; he was just odd, y'know? If you could've heard the awful screamin' from his house, youd've plugged your ears with cottonballs the same as I done. Sounded like he was killin' people over there, an' I reckon he was."

When I asked Gomer's neighbors why they didn't notify the authorities about their suspicions, O'Malley put it he best.

"Look, I knew Del was a terrible, terrible man. We all knew he was a monster an' that when he dies he'll burn in hell for what he done. But Del was a right good neighbor. He always lent me his tools- I'd have never finished that toolshed out back if it weren't for Del.

"When Nellie's little dog run off, Del found her and refused any reward money. He knows Nellie didn't have two nickles to rub together. He was just glad Nellie had her dog back, and he told her so.

"And when Rufus's bicycle repair shop went under, Del gave him $500, some casseroles and a bunch of men's clothes. Rufus said most of 'em was a little stained, but it's the thought that counts, right?

"Aside from killin' them men an' then queerin' off with 'em he was the best neighbor anyone could ask for. We all coulda' done a lot worse than Delbert Gomer for a neighbor, an I'm gonna miss him. But I won't miss the smell of rottin' bodies, no ma'am."

Reapirmen from the Possum Creek Water Department repaired the watermain without further incident.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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