Written by P.M. Wortham
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Friday, 24 October 2008

image for Terrorist Filbert Fernidge, Still at Large
The Only Known Picture of Internet Hacker, Filbert Fernidge

The internet hacker known only by his pseudonym, Filbert Fernidge, has struck an international charitable organization, draining its financial accounts of 72% of their original value. Dubbed an internet "terrorist" by several countries around the globe, Fernidge has referred to himself as a modern-day "Robin Hood" while carrying self proclaimed educational titles including a Bachelors Degree in Burglary, a Masters in Mayhem, and a PhD in Perfunctoriness.

Typically leaving e-mail behind after a crime is committed; Fernidge claimed that the latest theft was justified. Attacking the Global Underprivileged Life Protection organization, a non-profit fund raising organization for the world's most underprivileged families, Fernidge said that "all the money" will be distributed to the poor, not just the "28% they actually deliver".

G.U.L.P. chairman Stu Pendis, defended his organization's track record for charitable work, and tried to explain why internal overhead costs were so high. "We need good people to help manage the collections, run the fundraisers, distribute the money. It takes money to give money." Critics on the other hand want to know why G.U.L.P. doesn't hire more volunteers to save overhead cost, or why less than 30% of the money actually makes it to the intended families. Pendis replied on the way to his Mercedes limousine, "A charity like this needs good people to bend over backwards in order to get the work done, and nobody can make people bend over like I can."

Fernidge replied to G.U.L.P.'s weak attempts at justifying its own internal procedures by blasting out an international letter to everyone with an e-mail account. It says, "Fat cats like Pendis will always pay. Let's just say that a burly man in a tow truck is about to repossess his limo too. Liars and cheaters beware. I'll be after banking senior managers next, or anyone who took a bonus while laying off their workforce. They can expect their personal accounts to disappear, and also receive a wonderful parting gift by mail, all natural of course, from one of the cows near my home town. Fernidge, OUT!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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