Written by Judge Retort
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Saturday, 11 October 2008

image for Excitement and Fear Over Europe's New Super Collider
Sub-Atomic particles travel aboard the new rapid-transit European super collider - Owner seen walking his pet meson

The new atomic particle super-collider is an enormous chamber for smashing together atoms in order to make enough noise to get God's attention. Some worry it will cause a local black hole that sucks up the Earth like the garbage disposal devours everything left after a BBQ.

The collider is so big that it had to be built in a ring-shaped underground building which extends under Switzerland, France, Germany, a little of Bulgaria (the Bulgarians are planning a toll charge on each passing proton), and on and on.

Coincidentally, it traces the exact same route as Julius Caesar during the only campaign where his legions got lost and took the long way back to Rome. On the same trip, they discovered bratwurst and beer on the way, explaining their circular path.

The collider is so big, Steadman's giving it to Oprah as a wedding ring! It is so big, it's bigga than the ring in Steadman's nose, and the ring 'round Oprah's tub!

American satirists, participating in the experiment are hopeful of discovering several mystery particles that have been eluding them for quite some time:

  • The Obama Quark - the most changeable particle ever, continually changing from quark to antiquark and then back again after every speaking engagement.
  • The McCain Meson - a fiery particle liable to explode at a moment's notice and repels every other particle of its party. Sticks to the Palin Proton, though.
  • The Palin Proton - the particle with the greatest charm and positive energy, and oddly the only particle of the universe wearing cute eyeglasses. Oprah has competition. The Palin Proton also has been strongly repelled by Oprah. Oprah exerts the strangest unexplainable forces upon matter-but only what she thinks matters.
  • The Biden Boson - a rather dull particle that does not cast a reflection, and that no one knows anything about, nor cares. Some suggest that it doesn't exist at all, and is merely a statistically imaginary particle to stabilize the Obama quark/antiquark.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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