Written by Frank Cotolo
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Topics: Spain, Tattoos

Saturday, 29 May 2004

MADRID, Spain -- A European commission warned that tattooing puts poisonous chemicals into the skin. It has something to do with "widespread ignorance about the substances used in tattooing dyes."

In response to details of the new report, one commission member asked, "Would you inject car paint into your skin?" This man admitted he was never taught that answering a question with a question is every bit as stupid as injecting car paint into one's skin.

The report says that most chemicals used in tattoos are industrial pigments originally used for other purposes, such as automobile paints or writing inks and that the risk of catching diseases is present.

"A man, woman or child," said a friend of a commissioner who had never heard of Earl Schieb, "is not a car and should not be subject to the dangers of being painted like one."

Clyde Hamstring, who for years has been a tattoo expert, has no less than fifty tattoos, including a self-applied picture of Washington crossing the Delaware while playing a five-string banjo. "Look," Clyde said when told about the report, "I am going to be sixty-eight next Tuesday and you don't see me poisoned. Ok, so for the past year I have been vomiting a strange phlegm that resembles Silly Putty. I still think that has to do with inhaling cigars, not poison from my tattoo."

A week later many old friends attended Hamstring's funeral. The coroner said, "It could have been the tattoos, yes. But that truck hit him pretty hard when he crossed the street against the light."

Now researchers are exploring how dangerous it may be to have tattoos removed. One researcher said, "It will be painful to get them off the skin, but if this new report is right it won't matter because the poison is already in the bloodstream. As for new tatoos, I would stay away from using any images of a mallard."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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