Written by Phillip T. Stephens
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Tuesday, 16 September 2008

image for International Council Issues Toilet Seat Use Guidelines
Up or down? Toilet Seat position named number five cause of divorce in America

The World Toilet Lid Courtesy Council issued a new set of recommendations for toilet seat use Monday. Citing toilet seat position a the number five cause of divorce worldwide, the council believes their new guidelines will increase family harmony and promote toilet seat courtesy worldwide.

"The rules are quite simple," Council President Levit Downe told reporters. "They can all be reduced to the toilet seat golden rule, 'Leave the seat the way you would want your spouse to leave it.'"

Downe added, "Records indicate that six percent of women leave their marriage because they are tired of falling in the toilet when the lid could simply lowered by a more thoughtful husband. Five percent of husbands claim they left their wives because they were tired off listening to them whine about something they could just as well do themselves."

The Council claims to have deliberated for two years to come up with the current guidelines. They consulted behavioral experts, cultural anthropologists, fecal biologists and divorce lawyers before issuing their report.

The council's number one guideline is: Agree on one position and stick to it. Wives can lift the seat when they finish as easily as husbands can lower it. As long as both know what to expect, there will be no surprises.

The number two guideline: Get over it. Everyone screws up and your turn will come.

Guideline number three is: If you begin to argue about toilet seats, see if you can find something more important to the marriage to discuss. The Council suggests that more important arguments might involve credit card bills for shoes or that bimbo at work he keeps flirting with.

Downe also insisted the proper toilet seat courtesy begins with childhood. "When your little boys pee on the toilet seat, slap them around until they get the message. That's just wrong."

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