Written by The Scorpion
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Friday, 12 September 2008

image for McCain/Palin Poll Surge Sends Obama Smoking Cigarettes 'Again'
It's tough at the top

Democratic insiders at the democratic national headquarters in Chicago have reported that upon seeing the latest polls surge in favour of McCain/Palin that Barack Obama broke down and started smoking again.

Obama had given up smoking since running for President however, the latest election polls boosted by Sarah Palin the republican vice president nominee, appears to be the straw that broke the camel's back.

One democratic aid who asked to remain anonymous, stated, "one minute Obama was watching the polls on CNN and the next minute he tore off his nicotine patch and ran to the stationary cupboard." Michelle Obama dashed after him and could be heard yelling, "Don't worry Honey, I'll get rid of her just like I did Hillary".

Our anonymous source described how he immediately followed the presidential hopeful and his wife to the stationary cupboard and saw Barack Obama nervously huddled in the corner struggling with a cigarette lighter. After lighting up, Obama stood, took a deep puff and leaned against a styrofoam Greek pillar that unfortunately "just gave way". "He went toppling over, sending cigarette sparks everywhere" our source reported.

Michelle Obama screamed "get up, get up" and started brushing burning ashes off the boxes of stationary and styrofoam. Our source reported she "dragged Barack off the floor by the scruff of his neck told me to "get the hell out of here" and then screamed after me to "Get Biden…NOW".

Our source described how he then quickly approached Senator Joe Biden who was sitting at a table with an unnamed female staffer and told him the news. "He appeared stunned and almost dropped his wineglass. He spilled at bit on his crotch but sat there for a minute unable to speak. Finally he let go of the young ladies hand he was holding and uttered "get me Ted on the phone".

Unbeknownst to our source in the democratic headquarters Senator Ted Kennedy had in fact long been Obama's official contact buddy when it comes to substance abuse. This was also confirmed by Obama's long time confident Bill Ayers who stated by telephone interview that Obama had been instructed that should he 'get the urge' to immediately call Uncle Ted "anytime, anywhere, no matter what the weather is". Bill Ayers stated that he sympathized with Obama stating "bummer man…. in the sixties drugs and getting bombed was cool and today the establishment even considers cigarettes a federal offence."

Our source from the democratic headquarters then described how Joe Biden quoted Senator Kennedy as being "an expert at these matters" yet he stood by nervously while our source placed the call to Ted. Our source states, "I actually spoke to the Senator myself and briefly told him what happened. He asked me if Barack had been driving a vehicle and if any secretaries were involved. I said "no", only his wife Michelle was there and Ted seemed instantly relieved. Biden then snatched my blackberry from my hands and shooed me away.

Our source from the democratic headquarters introduced us to another democratic staffer who confirmed these allegations. Both these sources reported not seeing Obama again until later that evening but that Michelle had slapped a nicotine patch on Barack's arm before dragging him away. Before carting him off she also screeched some obscenities at the TV. Both sources reported Michelle using the "f" word and "w" word several times.

Ted Kennedy arrived by a private jet later that evening whereupon he immediately produced a bottle of whiskey and offered Obama a hit who took a long deep swig.
"Thatta boy, this will fix you up" Ted said as he consoled Obama.

Our initial source then reported that "Michelle immediately came over and gave Ted a big hug who in the confusion seemed to think Michelle was Barack's sister. Our source described Ted as being, "more than a little tipsy" and told us he was, "absolutely positive Ted greeted Michelle as "yo sister."

Both our sources from the democratic headquarters also confirmed Michelle Obama then immediately directed everyone to "get lost" including Joe Biden who said he had to "give someone a lift home anyway". Michelle then kicked all the staffers out of the staff lunch room saying "Uncle Ted and Barack need some quality time".

Our source reported the last time he saw Obama conscious that night he was huddling next to Ted. "He was totally wasted and had his arm around Ted who kept offering him another drink. Barack was blubbering, "uh…You know Uncle Ted I really…uh….I really wanna change". Ted patted him on the back and kept saying "I know you do Hussein…I know you do….

Both contacts from the democratic headquarters described the entire day as a "complete disaster". The second source added, "The surge of the McCain/Palin polls had just shattered our equilibrium in the office. Barack was smoking again after promising Michelle he wouldn't and Joe Biden had spilled a glass of Chardonnay".

Our sources stated at three in o'clock the morning Barack was carried off to bed by some staffers. Ted was still holding a bottle of whiskey and Biden was long gone. Michelle Obama looked worn out and took several swigs of Ted's near empty bottle of whiskey. "Thank god our fans didn't find out" she sighed. Our sources stated that Ted Kennedy looked over at her with droopy eyelids and muttered "voters….you mean voters?… don't you? Michelle Obama reportedly just stared off into space.

Utter chaos, Utter chaos.


The Scorpion
Reporting from the Chicago Democratic National Headquarters

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