Written by John Carroll
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Topics: Marriage, Las Vegas

Wednesday, 26 May 2004

image for Man Marries Right Hand
A picture of the blushing bride shortly after the wedding.

In a move that confuses and astounds those both for and against the hotly debated gay marriage issue, Peter Jerkinson married his own right hand earlier this morning in his hometown of Las Vegas, Nevada.

"I… Um… Think I'm against this?" Said one anti-gay marriage fanatic, scratching at the back of his head while looking to fellow fanatics, whom all shrugged their shoulders helplessly in response. "It's sort of hard to tell what our stance is on this." He continued. "I mean, he is sort of marrying another man. But then again, he's technically just marrying himself, so…" He turned again to the others, who were all whistling nonchalantly and trying to look busy.

San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom jumped at the chance to defend Peter. "I, for one, am proud of this man's brave commitment to… Uh… His rights?" He shrugged helplessly. "He shouldn't be subjected to any persecution that he sort of maybe might be subjected to."

The priest who wed the couple, Father Ragin, tried to remain as neutral as he could in this situation. "I'm not exactly for gay marriage…" He explained. "But then again, I'm not really against it. Plus, this sort of isn't gay marriage."

Many showed up to rally outside the church with both pro- and anti-gay marriage sentiments, but they soon dispersed, unable to think up of any catchy slogans to chant or even any signs to wave around. "We just sort of all stood there for an hour or so before the wedding." Remembers one protestor. "By the time he (Peter) actually got there, both sides just sort of had lost their ambition. Most of the people had gone home. The ones that stayed wound up attending the marriage, even the anti-gay marriage folks."

Peter himself declined a formal comment, only stating briefly after the wedding, "I'm heading back to my room in my Mom's basement to spend a nice, long honeymoon with my new wife."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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