Written by dalepetrie
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Topics: Jesus, jerusalem

Friday, 21 May 2004

image for Shocking Revelations as Jesus' Personal Journal Found
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The site of an explosion detonated by Palestinians in the center of Jerusalem has become the destination of interest to archaeologists, historians and theologians around the world as what appears to be the holiest of documents ever unearthed, the personal journal of Jesus Christ, was discovered in a several foot deep crater hole inside the holy city. Local officials were set to bulldoze the site this week, when a local official noticed the corner of a book protruding from the bottom of a several foot deep crater.

Archaeologists were summoned to remove the book from the site, and experts on ancient languages set out to determine the book's origins and contents. They realized it was a diary, but were not quite sure who's when they read the first line, which has been translated as,

"Dear Journal, J.C. here…so much crap has been going down lately I felt it my duty to write…"

On further translation, it became clear that this diary had belonged to Jesus Christ himself. Radio carbon dating has determined that the journal is approximately 2,000 years old, placing it at about the right age to be authentic. Apparently Jesus, or J.C. as he referred to himself, began keeping a journal of his days when he was approximately 8 or 9, apparently before he knew his legacy, as illustrated in this passage,

"School sucks, I can't catch a break. I mean, my teachers ball me out whenever I get less than an A+ on anything, it's like they expect me to walk on water or something. And the kids are no better, they're all pissed cuz I blow the curve (I have to, the teachers make me write sentences on the shaleboard if I don't get 100%). They all accuse me of having my father do my homework for me, which is so stupid, I mean, Joe's a pretty smart guy when it comes to some things, but he's not exactly the ‘academic' type…he's pretty much blue collar all the way."

An entry from a couple years later reveals Jesus' awakening at who he is supposed to be,

"Now I know why I'm held to such an unrealistic standard. God's son? Man, how'm I ever supposed to live up to THAT one? I mean, I can understand, mom and pop telling everyone mom was a virgin…how else they gonna explain me coming along just 5 months after the wedding? I mean, in this small-minded little piss ant town, they'da been stoned to death. So now I have to live this big lie, sucks to be me."

As the readings go on, we see that many of the so called miracles, were actually staged, Jesus as it turns out was quite the prankster,

"…so Paul and I get up in the middle of the night and we start to toss these big rocks in the water from one end to the other, so as to form this path that you couldn't quite see unless you were standing right over it, cuz it's covered in water, right? Anyway, the next day I make this whole brouhaha about performing a miracle and I walk right across this rock path…I mean it was a bitch on my back and Paul and I were pretty damn tired that whole next day, but it was worth it to see the looks on their faces, man…"

One of the most shocking revelations however was in regards to the so-called Last Supper and Jesus' rising from the dead,

"…anyway, I'm performing the old water into wine trick, you know, the one where you palm a small dried piece of bread that's been soaked in really deep red wine, then toss it into the pitcher with a couple magic words, looks really groovy cuz the bread just breaks up right away and the water gets redder and redder. Anyway, Judas knew what I was up to, but he took a drink anyway for looks and he says to me, hey J.C., wanna go get some REAL wine, so I of course head out back with him, and he's got this flagon of some of the strongest shit I ever drank. I swear this stuff was 180 proof, and the two of us musta polished off 2 gallons of the stuff. So anyway, I had a hard time keeping my head clear for the crucifixion show we were putting on, hell, I probably wouldn'ta felt anything even if they had nailed through my real hands and not just a fake bladder full of pig blood. But the whole getting faced worked pretty good for me and all seeing as how I passed out after they ‘nailed' me down. Didn't wake up for 3 days…everyone thought I was really dead. Well, you know, that's how rumors get started."

Though we are not permitted to show you any more excerpts, we can tell you that these passages only scratch the surface. You can however expect to be able to pick up a complete and unedited version of the soon to be published "Jesus' Journals: The Final Revelations" this fall from Harper Collins at Barnes and Noble, Amazon and fine booksellers everywhere, for the shockingly low price of just $19.95.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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