Written by Icarus
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Saturday, 5 July 2008

image for Church Bans Sexual Intercourse
No More Sex and Sins

Amidst growing concerns that Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) are on a rise, the Vatican has decided to do away with sexual intercourse itself. This new directive shall ensure that the previous directives banning contraception remain in place.

Sexual intercourse, all 56 types of it, henceforth shall be regarded as a sin with a one-way ticket to eternal damnation in hell. Thinking about sex and anything closely associated with it will be charged a minor demeanor of 50 lashes.

"The population of the earth is sufficient at the moment. Our policy is going to consist of allowing the pagan worshipers around the world to breed like animals, while we convert and re-educate them to be civilized and God-fearing Christians.", said Cardinal Debonar Scolari, when asked if this policy might lead to the extinction of mankind.

This policy gets implemented by Christmas, a symbolic date for most Christians which brought about the birth of God's son without the use of any sexual intercourse.

"A wise lesson for Christians all around the world. Stop having sex, and pray to God for miracles. And adopt more pagan children and give them the Christian education that they truly deserve.", said Pastor Joe Alex in his latest TV sermon.

Meanwhile, homosexual groups have begun protesting against this directive which they believe is a conspiracy to get rid of them and their "lifestyle" choice.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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