Prof Stephen Hawking to sing at Glastonbury

FRESH from his victory at the Iron Man Triathlon across the mountainous landscape of Peru last week, Professor Stephen Hawking has announced that he is set to hit the stage.
The music world was shocked last night, when it emerged that the robot-voiced Brit boffin is to launch his singing career at this year's Glastonbury Festival, covering such popular favourites as Hotel California, Lady in Red, and the track just after Karma Police on Radiohead's OK Computer album.
"I'm tho-rough-ly thrilled . . to be able to per-form . . .," grinned the motorized Einstein.
"I'm just lu-cky . . .that God blessed me with the gift of song, and so I feel I should share my beau-ti-ful voice . . . with the world."
But Hawking may struggle to make it to Glastonbury, not least because of the bollards recently installed at the back of the festival car park. Glastonbury is scheduled to take place just the day after Hawking appears in court on charges of GBH of three bouncers outside a trendy Cambridge nightspot. It is hoped that at least one of the hospitalised bouncers will survive long enough to testify against Hawking, who is alleged to have thrashed the bouncers when they refused him entry to Fifth Avenue, at the City's Lion Yard.
"Those bitches . . .will not mess . . .with me . . .again," Hawking told a group of reporters gathered outside his home last night.
A spokesman for Fifth Avenue, said: "We had no choice to refuse him entry, our dress code is quite strict, and his wheels were clearly casual."