Harare - Robert Mugabe is pleased to announce that election results are now finalized and his We-Will-Cut-Your-Families'-Arms-Off-And-Shoot-You-Last Party is the clear winner.
While it was a tight race the final count 1 - 0 is clearly in favour of Mugabe.
At his combined Campaign-Intimidation-Torture Headquarters Mugabe announced "Democracy is alive and well in Zimbabwe and the electorate has spoken."
"The people of Zimbabwe have been given every opportunity to vote freely. We have taken every measure to encourage a good voter turn-out by assigning soldiers with automatic weapons to escort voters to the polls while protecting their families with blood-thirsty crazed armed guards stationed at their houses while voting takes place."
Even though Mugabe admits his vote may be the only vote that may have been cast he says "Zimbabwe is a great country that appreciates democracy, furthermore, my wife says these plastic vote/tote boxes will be useful now that the election is over to store items in closets or underneath beds without collecting dust."
The opposition leader Morgan Tsvangirai of the I-Am-Scared-Shitless-Party was interviewed from his home where he is under house-arrest and is being held, bound-and-gagged, tied to a chair. While his eye movements were very expressive he had little to say verbally of the election process or results other than "Mmmm .Mmmmm .Mmmmm."