Written by Unconfirmed Source
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Topics: Navy, US Navy

Monday, 17 May 2004

image for Haitian Missile Crisis Resolved!
Haitian Missiles?

The world cast a giant sign of relief today as Haiti and The United States retreated from the brink of war. Unconfirmed sources report that US bombers are returning to their bases and the US Navy has ended its blockade of the Caribbean Nation. The Haitian amphibious assault force has turned south and is returning to base. Tensions are still high in the area, but cooler heads seem to be prevailing.

The crisis began just one month ago when the interim leader of Haiti announced that the advanced WMD programs started by the Aristeed government would continue. He also announced that all UN weapons inspectors would be expelled from the island paradise. He also ordered the American embassy surrounded by Haitian troops. An amphibious assault force was dispatched from Haiti and began steaming north towards Key West.

The US administration replied with a swift military build up along the Florida Keys and beefed up patrols in the Caribbean Sea. The Air Force was put on full alert and began planning to bomb Haiti into the Bronze Age. NSA spy planes and satellites confirmed the presence of heretofore unidentified Weapons of Mass Destruction production facilities.

The US Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld, took time away from 'visiting' with an Iraqi insurgent to give the following statement. "We are very troubled by the events unfolding in Haiti, and this is proving the Axis of Evil is spreading it's grip around the entire free world. A full scale military assault will be forthcoming."

In an amazing show of unity Mongolia, Cambodia and the city state of Monaco all joined in a coalition of the willing dedicated to stomp out the building threat posed by Haiti.

The armed forces of two great countries were posed for war when a series of strange events caused both sides to stand down. The first sign that something was amiss surfaced when an intoxicated Australian tourist stumbled into the Haitian "WMD research laboratory complex" and reported to the media that the site was in fact a baby milk factory. The second clue became public when the UN envoy announced that it didn't have any WMD inspectors in Haiti to be expelled. It was also discovered that satellite pictures of weapons sites from Cuba had been 'mis-labeled' and placed in the Haiti file.

Unconfirmed sources now report that the whole affair was a hoax planned by the Haitian leader. Reports indicate the Haitian leader was despondent over the lack of attention and money his fledgling democracy had received from the US. He had decided to start a war in the hopes that the US military would destroy his country's aging infrastructure then pay to rebuild it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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