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Thursday, 13 May 2004

image for Bush to Iraqi Insurgents: Could You Please Stop Bringing ‘Em On?
Will all y'all towelheads just quit shootin' at us?

In a speech directed towards Iraqi insurgents and those who may have been offended enough by the photos of prisoner abuse in the Abu Ghraib prison to rise up against American soldiers, U.S. President George W. Bush called for an end to the aggression which killed over 150 U.S. soldiers in the month of April alone. In this speech, which was televised on the Al Arabiya and Al Jazeera networks, Bush first referred to his July 2, 2003 speech in which he said, "Anybody who wants to harm American troops will be found and brought to justice. There are some that feel like if they attack us that we may decide to leave prematurely. They don't understand what they are talking about if that is the case. Let me finish. There are some who feel like the conditions are such that they can attack us there. My answer is, bring 'em on."

Bush began his speech, "My Muslim brothers and sisters, I wanted to tell y'all again just how dang sorry I am that those pictures depicting those horrible attrociousities in the Apu Grape prison got out before we were ready for y'all to see ‘em. But I have a more importinant mission to talk about today. A few months ago I said that if you wanted to attack our American troops, you oughta bring ‘em on. I kind of figured you Eye-Rackees were a bunch of namby pamby mama's boys when I heard from our prison guards what a bunch of babies y'all was after a chain of 20 or 30 of our soldiers buggered one of the enemy combatants we got ourselves hold of. But I guess I just plumb didn't figure you'd be able to take down more of our soldiers in one month than we lost in the period before I declared the war over a year ago.

"So, I want to go back now and tell y'all to cut it out, OK? I mean, when I said to bring ‘em on, I didn't mean so hard. Can't y'all just stop bringin' ‘em on for a while, I mean, we was doing a bang up job in smuggling in weapons of mass destruction so we could bury ‘em somewhere and ‘find' ‘em in late October, now y'all have taken me up on that whole "bring ‘em on thing" and I come out looking like a fool...it's real hard to bury biological, chemical and nucular weapons when you've got a bunch of mad Arabs with their turbans in a bunch, just shootin' away at ya'. I mean, c'mon, work with me here, you nice Eye-Rackee folks don't want to have that boy Kerry be the President now do ya'? I betcha he'd let Saddam go, in fact, I know he would. You ‘member that picture of Hanoi Kerry with Hanoi Jane? Well, I'm not supposeta tell y'all this, but on that same roll of film, there was a picture of Kerry giving Saddam a backrub. Oh, you know he'd let Saddam go back and rule Iraq in a second...you lived with the guy as your leader for more than 2 decayeds, you probably know how much he likes Heinz ketchup...you think Kerry's gonna let his wife's company lose that kind of business? And I'm pretty sure he's a queer too.

"So, it'd help me out a lot of you'd just forget about them pictures, I mean it's not like you wouldn'ta done the same thing. That and just stop with the whole bringin' ‘em on deal. Then after June 30, when we turn the country back over to someone over there (we still ain't quite decided yet, but we're pretty sure it won't be Saddam...think about whether or not Kerry could say that), y'all can go ahead and blow each other up all y'want, won't be our problem anymore. If you could just do that it would mean so much to me and Donny, he's so worried I'm gonna fire him, and by gum I sure don't wanna have to do that...I think he's just dreamy. If you don't stop bringin' ‘em on, I might have to fire Rummy, then they'll want me to go after Dickie and Colon and maybe even my main turd blossom Karl, and where would I be then I ask you?

"Besides, y'all were supposedta be the easy country. I mean, by now, I expected we'd have cleaned y'all out, we'd have all your oil reserves and gas'd be half what it is now, plus we'd be well on our way to liberating Syria and Iran from their oil, er I mean repressive governments. I mean, it's real hard you know, we have a voluntary military right now, and I can't very well reinstate the draft until after my second term starts, I mean how's that gonna look come November, so we only got a small amount of able bodied young men in this country who we can force to go over there, and let's face it, most of the kids who sign up for the military out of high school ain't much smarter than me. Some times I think me and my administration are just gonna have to go over there and straighten things out ourselves. Of course then I remember that ain't a single one of us chickenhawks who ever saw a day of combat, so we wouldn't be much use.

"Plus we're runnin' out of money, I mean when I was appointed, um, I mean elected 3 ½ years ago, the United States had all sorts of money just sittin' there in the bank waitin' to be given away to those folks kind enough to help me get where I am. I figured they'd all stimulate the economy by spendin' some of that dough ray me and I'd have plenty of money to come in and kick some turban wearin' ass, but instead the whole damn country is bankrupt and we have to keep pourin' money into Iraq just so those Muslim hating Democrats can't make me look bad. Yeah, you heard me, them Democrats is all just a bunch of Muslim hatin' queer atheatists. I mean, with me, you know what you're gettin'. Just last night my God was talkin' to your God and they agreed we all need to just get along, and the only way we could do that is if y'all just give up on fightin' us and give us what we want...our Gods trust me to show you the way."

Reaction by the mainstream media was limited to one statement by Tom Brokaw, who went on record as saying, "hey, how about that?" Everyone else pretty much gave the President a hall pass as they expect him to say stupid and inflammatory things, and most expect that any criticisms of the Bush administration would result in their immediate dismissal at the hands of their Bush supporting employers.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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