Written by David Caplan
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Topics: Prison, suicide

Thursday, 29 May 2008

image for Criminal suicide to be legalised
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In an effort to reduce soaring prison population the European Union have announced moves to make suicide by those in captivity legal.

This move has been prompted by the lack of space and facilities in Europe's prisons, plus the strain on public funds.

Many prisons still in use date back to the beginning of the twentieth century and are architecturally too valuable to be used for housing society's misfits.

Members of the Union voted unanimously to fast-track the legislation, subject to the result of trials already underway. A late amendment to include illegal aliens, political deportees and noisy neighbours was also accepted.

Amnesty International have welcomed the news, saying they have long campaigned for prisoners' rights to commit suicide.

In a guarded statement the Vatican was said to be unhappy with the word 'suicide', preferring instead the phrase 'premature death'.

The British Home Secretary has drawn up plans to ensure each prison cell is equipped with a six foot length of heavy rope for daily exercise, and a ready supply of Paracetamol for those niggly headaches.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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