Written by Rodd Justice
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Friday, 5 October 2001

image for Nostradamus Foresaw Uri Gellar and Kurt Russell
"The loon who bends the spoon..."

According to prophecies by Nostradamus, uncovered for the first time since the 16th century, Uri Gellar is set to rise to prominence in the world of astrophysics, and become one of the most under-estimated minds in history.

According to Nostradamus "The loon who bends the spoon, Will teach all the Moon". The normally loose interpretations associated with the soothsayer's prophecies are not even required in these previously unseen writings. Gellar, whose hobbies include inflating his own ego, is delighted to finally be getting the recognition he deserves.

Pope John Paul II released the writings after over five hundred years of the Vatican concealing them. Catholic bigwigs hid them away in the 1500s because they feared that people would start a "God is pants" campaign as a result. However, when the Pope (a big fan of Gellar's antics) saw the documents in the back of the naughty cupboard in his office, he decided to release them to the general public.

In the document, Nostradamus also predicts that Kurt Russell will get into a fistfight with Fidel Castro at the Oscars. Nostra-buff Alvin Parody gives us the explanatory:

"When Russell receives his Oscar for Best Doofus in a Gross-Out movie for his role in 'Tom Green Pukes', Castro will invade Los Angeles purely to steal the limelight from the washed-up star of 'Tango & Cash'. Russell will then run around LA in a vest and jeans, beating ninjas and driving cars into trucks full of explosive chemico-hazards! The final scene will be a tied-up Russell. Castro gloats as though he has already killed him, and taken control of LA?but wait - Kurt whips the knife out of his sock?!" etc, etc.

Descendants of the French monk are set to make a fortune from royalties now these predictions are uncovered. It is set to propel Nostradamus from the unprofitable geeky teenager market, to the big bucks of the mass-marketised, media-manipulated middle-classes.

Even more cash than that is to follow! Europe's Super Big Sports TV are planning to promote 21-year-old relation Jordandamus to a pundit position on Truck Racing coverage from Germany.

Jordandamus can't wait to predict Kenny Sausageburger as the King of the Trucks in 2015!

The future is bright for soothsaying, back in fashion for the first time since rationality knocked it out with a right upper cut of reason. But, the Crazy Hunch is back up after an eight-count, ready to bite off its adversary's ear to win the bout.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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