Written by Steddyeddy
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Friday, 9 May 2008

image for Report published linking country music to suicide
Young Willy Nelson contemplates suicide rating of his music

Two Armenian sociologists, unable to get a job in their local kebab store in Luton, have published a report on the effect of country music on suicide. This is the the first time that something we all know and fear, namely a Dolly Parton, John Denver or Tammy Wynette record, has been academically linked to suicide.

The report also concluded that wherever country music is played the suicide rate is higher than average, completely "independent of divorce, poverty, gun or TNT backpack availability".

The obvious conclusion here for wiping out criminal tendencies amongst the hoodie community, is for banks, jewellery stores, post offices (assuming you can find one open) and other stores prone to acts of robbery and violence to play "Annie" or "9 to 5" at extremely high volumes.

Thus, any part-time car -booter or social security claimant who decides to turn their hand to crime as an easier alternative to filling out laborious forms involving writing and spelling in order to claim their tax-payers hand-out, will, upon entering one of these establishments, immediately run out and commit hari-kiri (or its Yorkshire/Lancashire equivalent "chippie buttie").

However, the burial ceremonies for these recently deceased, the report continues, mustn't be taken any less seriously, especially in relation to their musical content.

Songs such as Nirvana's "I hate myself and I want to die", Morrissey's "First of the gang to die", and "Happy days are here again" should not be played, and certainly, Rod Stewart's "Do ya think I'm sexy", for those of a necrophiliac disposition, should most definitely not be played, as it contains the line "if you want my body".

On the pop music front, way back in the 4th Century, Plato pre-dated the Taliban, Plymouth Brethren, Pol Pot and Chairman Mao by calling for a ban on certain types of contemporary Greek music. He believed that pop music led to low morals, and discovered this himself while participating in an under-age orgy at his local scout and guide troop.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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