Written by Paul Deacon
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Friday, 5 October 2001

image for Jolly Green Giant 'On Steroids'
"Sterioids? Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho"

The jolly green giant has tested positive in a random drugs test last night. Police say they have detected large amounts of the growth-inducing steroid Amoxoflacin in his blood.

The giant, real name James Gregory Giant, a well-known figure, is over 22 feet tall but apparently lives solely on a diet of tinned sweetcorn. When police raided Giant's home in Texas, they found over 18,000 tins of the vegetable in the cupboard under the stairs. "Quite amazing until you remember that his house is over 200 foot tall" said Officer Frank Redman.

"When we challenged him Mr Giant told us he enjoyed the crunch of freshly picked coblets and then he laughed a deep laugh. Real spooky. Everytime we asked him a question he just kept going ho ho ho. Seemed like he was on something. So we tested him and found the steroid traces" Officer Redman added.

Neighbour Mel Baker, 5'7'', told TheSpoof "Giant was always going on to us about eating healthy tinned vegetables. I feel he has let us all down".

There have been suspicions for some time that Mr Giant may have been using drugs to enhance his physique. Doctor Harvey S. Weinberg of Boston University told TheSpoof "There is no way that a person could attain such a height and body mass solely on a diet of extra crisp nibblets"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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