Written by Charlie D. Nowhere
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Topics: Pope

Friday, 18 April 2008

A secret recording was leaked of Pope Benedict's private meeting with clergy who were involved in the sex abuse scandal that threatened and tarnished the whole of Catholicism.

The scratchy voices were at times barely audible, the Pope's voice all but nonexistent.

However, what we do hear is reaction from those accused, to what is obviously the Pope's scorn.
What is clear between the muffles are that numbers were being used to communicate, which were repeated multiple times.

"It's obvious the Pope has elected to use humanity's universal language, that of mathematics," suggested Peter Ikonoklast, professor of theology at Harvard. "This makes absolute sense in that, instead of Latin, a dead and pederast language, the Pontiff is making an effort to, not only advance, but to start anew as it were, in a direction untaken by past popes, for he finds himself in uncharted waters."

The allegations leveled at the church's highest ranks have indeed put the faith in an almost desperate state to regain at least a fraction of its past popularity.

As the meeting goes on the reading of humanity's universal language seems to grow in pitch and intensity.

"It makes sense that the Holiness would begin with the necessary rhetoric that would encompass all mankind at this crucial point for the church instead of sticking to the same esoteric verbiage that has been a tradition for the church," continued Ikonoklast.

As the meeting nears its end one of the accused can be heard muttering the only words discernable.

"Bingo" is heard loud and clear as the crowd erupts, some in celebration, some in frustration as if close to winning something, perhaps the understanding of the Eternal Message delivered by his Holiness but, alas, lost in the end.

"Uh…yeah, its uh..clear that uh…some were uh…profoundly touched and felt one with uh… what's his name and the rest weren't," said Ikonoklast. "I gotta go."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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