Fallujah - In a surprising and unprecedented move, UN officials today appointed Don Vito Corleone Supreme Commander of coalition forces in Iraq.
According to senior coalition officers, "The Don is without doubt the best man to lead efforts against Iraqi insurgents." The Don's "family", with its reputation for making problems "go away" can undoubtedly gain the results Washington is looking for, sources said.
"Either the insurgents will cease their attacks against coalition forces, or they'll wind up wearing concrete shoes," said Corleone. "I'll make em an offer they can't refuse."
Top insurgent leaders reportedly came to Corleone's headquarters shortly after the announcement, paid him a great deal of money, and allowed him to slap them around for a while. The insurgents then said they would be heading for the Bronx.
General Corleone has already appointed a staff, composed of Colonel Peter Clemenza and General Salvatore Tessio. When asked if any members of the Tataglia family would be joining his staff, Don Corleone is reported to have replied, "Tataglia's a pimp. He could never outfight Bin Laden."
Corleone was then forced to bring his press conference to an abrupt halt upon the arrival of his godson Johnny from Hollywood. Corleone spent the remainder of the day hitting Fontaine and shouting "You can act like a man!"