Written by Monkey Woods
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Tuesday, 11 March 2008

image for Seven Deadly Sins (Revised)
7: Don't be a sloth

(ROME) The Vatican has spoken out on the subject of the Seven Magnificent Deadly Sins, and has come up with a modernised version of 'things to go to Hell for'.

The original seven sins - Pride, Envy, Gluttony, Lust, Anger, Greed and Sloth - have become outdated, says the Vatican, as everyone in the world indulges in those sins every day of their lives. A new up-to-date list of sins is thought to have been the idea of the Pope himself.

To reflect the state of modern life, the new Seven Magnificent Deadly Sins, as decreed by the Pope, include sins against minorities, as well as against the environment, which is always complaining about being shat upon. The revised list is:

  1. Pollution.
  2. Calling gay people names like Arse Bandit, Rear Admiral or Cackpipe Cosmonaut.
  3. Kiddyfiddling (unless the kiddyfiddler is a trusted religious person)
  4. Calling Muslims names like ...well...you know, and laughing at their beards.
  5. Drug-taking if you're an athlete (forgiveable after 2 years)
  6. Can't think of one for number 6.
  7. Being a sloth.
  8. Priests have applauded the revision, and say that anyone discovered committing more than four of the sins within a 7-day period, could leave themselves open to Eternal Damnation.

    Father Feargal O'Birmingham, a professor of moral theology at the University of Alum Rock, said:

    "The world has changed since the original seven deadly sins were written down in 1977. Sins have changed, and we must change with them. It may have been fine to call a faggot a 'faggot' 30 years ago, but that kind of thing is no longer permissible."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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