Written by Bob Muppet
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Topics: Christmas

Wednesday, 5 September 2001

image for Why not take your Christmas tree on holiday?
Professor Lovitt selects his holiday companion

WHOPEE!! It's summer holidays again --- pack the suitcases, cancel the milk, take the dog to the kennels - big sigh of relief! Everything done and dusted! All set for fun and sun --- But wait a minute! Haven't we forgotten something?

What about your pride and joy? - your 8 foot Norway Spruce ( Picea abies ) that you put in a tub after Christmas and that has festered at the bottom of your garden ever since.

Top dendrologists have published distressing evidence which clearly shows that discarded Christmas trees suffer intense emotional stress when they are abandoned during Summer holidays.

Professor Ian Lovitt, Kew Garden's world famous dendrologist, has published a startling report which highlights the problem.

Lovitt explains by drawing a parallel between babies and trees. "Supposing somebody set your feet in concrete when you were a child? -how would you feel -pretty frustrated I would suggest!

Well it's exactly the same for these Christmas trees. They get an emotional 'high' over the festive season with , carols, presents, people being friendly and sentimental around them and then WHAM!

The next thing they know they're stuck in a pot on the patio for all eternity!"

"The solution is simple - take your tree on holiday with you!" explained professor Lovitt. "I first got the idea whilst on holiday in Kissammee, Florida. Things are different in the tates; it's a common sight to see a family on vacation pulling their proud trees round Disneyland on their little trucks!"

When asked whether the little saplings got frightened in aircraft, Lovitt went on to give an account of his personal experiences.

"Most airlines welcome trees aboard their aircraft and provide they are adequately strapped in, they are perfectly safe. I remember taking my 6 foot Caucasian Fir (Abies nordmanniana ) to Corfu last year. It was fun all the way! We watched the in-flight T.V. which featured that excellent programme 'The Vicar of Dibley' and then I treated him to a Baby Bio and Bacardi cocktail. It was sheer joy to watch how his little needles began to bristle and glow!"

Lovitt went on at some length about his tree-accompanied holidays and proudly flashed his album of souvenir photos. In particular the one with the Douglas Fir at the top of Mount Everest and the Scots Pine dipping its roots in the water of the Taj Mahal were inspirational.

Anybody wanting to 'adopt' an orphaned or neglected tree is urged to contact the professor at the charity he has founded, namely 'The Amalgamated Resource to Supply Evergreens' (A.R.S.E.)

Finally, the author wishes to record deepest appreciation for the services rendered by KISSAMMEE, A.R.S.E, and I.LOVITT

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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