Paris, France - (Audacious Mess): The rogue trader who notched up record-breaking $7 billion losses may be the natural son of Scientology movie actor Tom Cruise.
Former work colleagues of Jerome Kerviel say the trader regularly got "shit-hot tips" from French Narconon sources who had tapped into Cruise's miraculously prophetic abilities of manipulating the Stock Market "through the power of thought".
"Kerviel was onto a winner by late 2006," SocGen's Didier de Gaulle said today, "and in cahoots with the bank's board who all stood to make a packet if his bets continued backing winners.
"Then something odd happened around March 2007 and it all started going Poirot-shaped. We think this co-incided with Tom Cruise being banned from filming his Nazi movie in Berlin's financial quarter. Kerveil developed the opposite of the Midas touch and all his positions went belly-up."
French police are investigating the rogue trader's DNA links and believe his former employers may have a case to sue the Scientology actor if fraudulent links can be established.
"It all goes back to the Nazis, like everything else around here," was the Gendarmerie's only official position.