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Monday, 31 December 2007

image for Queen Loses Crown Jewels In Post To Camilla
Queen Reduced to Wearing a Jewelled Headband on State Occasions

Her Majesty the Queen has announced today via her personal secretary that the Crown Jewels have been lost in the post. Her Majesty posted them courier class with a recorded delivery sticker to Camilla, Second in Line to Princess of Wales, as a special favour. It is believed that Camilla was intending to attend a fancy dress party dressed as Her Majesty.

Her Royal Highness The Queen was today said to be rather red-faced on learning that the historic items had not reached their destination despite being very well wrapped in bubble wrap and heavy duty Jiffy bags.

The Imperial Crown of State contains Edward the Confessor's sapphire, which is set in a Maltese cross at the top of the crown alongside a ruby dating to before the Battle of Agincourt and pearls worn as earrings by Elizabeth I.

However, the greatest loss to the nation is an enormous diamond, named the Second Star of Africa. This was cut from the famous Jamie Cullam Diamond, the largest diamond ever mined, and given to Edward VII, who had it set in the crown. The Star of Africa was sent separately via TNT in a cardboard box lined with polystyrene peanuts.

The Queen was today said to be devastated by the loss, stating that she has packed hundreds of things sold on Ebay and never lost anything yet. She said earlier,"I personally squashed the crown and taped the bubblewrap round, I can't believe they were only insured up to fifty quid via the Royal mail."

Prince Philip was totally bemused, winking to this reporter and announcing that as far as he was concerned the "Crown Jewels were still there and fully functional."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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