Vatican Shitty - (Ass Mess): "And I will make you fissures (sic) of men!" were the immortal words of the P2 Lodge grand wizard and Bishop of Rome as he deftly anointed the trembling lips, foreheads, breasts and bodily orifices of his new church princes at St Peter's Basilica today.
Pope Ratzinger has installed 24 new cardinals in a specially convened Consistory after 18 months of trolling satanic internet chatrooms "for some real talent".
"His Holiness has had to cast his rod deep into the murky depths to find this lot," a theological source said today.
"Take that Irish git, Archbishop Fergus McShergar, newly anointed Cardinal of County (sic) Louse.
"Last time he was in the news was when he nearly set on fire the entire congregation of St Dimwits after a mysterious explosion in the bishoprick's incense burner," a church spokesman said.
Northern Ireland Secretary Shaun Woodward congratulated Cardinal McShergar:
"He is a man of great liquid capacity and an insatiable thirst," Woodward said today.
"I know that his elevation to the College of Cardinals will see liquor sales rocket in the Republic, not to mention a massive increase in recreational bong activity in the Seven Counties."
Cardinal McShergar has made no comment yet but is expected to sober up in time to reply in his weekly column in the appropriate internet sites.