Written by Mister Meaner
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Thursday, 1 November 2007

image for One Of Heather Mills' Legs Is Shorter Than The Other - Claim
See? The left leg is a tad shorter

Heather Mills, the estranged wife of still-crooning ex-Beatle Paul Mills-McCartney, laid siege to a series of TV studios yesterday morning, claiming that stories of her having a wooden leg were "preposterous".

GMTV was her first port of call, where she said that despite claims to the contrary, both of her legs were her own. She also berated the media for hounding her and making out that she was worse than a murderer or a paedophile.

Mrs Mills then lurched over to Radio 5 Live, BBC News 24 and recorded an interview for the BBC Six O'Clock News, which is not what you want to see whilst having your tea.

She carried with her, as evidence, more than 4000 negative stories about herself, of which, some at least, are thought to have been written by social commentator Monkey Woods.

Currently involved in a messy divorce with Mr Mills-McCartney, which is reputed to be worth a record-breaking £825million, she has been described by him as a talentless, ruthless, scheming, conniving, money-grabbing, one-legged cripplewhore.

She became quite animated, apart from her lower left leg, and said:

"I resent those comments. My legs are my own."

Mills, who had a murky youth, and was arrested for stealing gold chains in London when she was 15, likened herself to Princess Diana, Kate McCann and, surprisingly, Long John Silver, and said she would go to live in the US "in an instant".

"Over there, they show respect to talentless, ruthless, scheming, conniving, money-grabbing, one-legged cripplewhores", she said.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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