Written by Dan H.
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Thursday, 4 March 2004

image for War In Oregon
Anti-ist soldier out in the bush of 'Gon

SALEM, OR- Gay marriage is spreading at a rampant rate, derived by the ordeal in San Francisco last week. Wednesday gay marriage has embedded it's self into the Californian neighbor to the north, Oregon. But how to halt such a title wave; use force. A small contingent of anti-gay marriage delegates were sent in to deal and assess the situation in Oregon and to work with Oregon based anti-gay marriage forces shortly after the news broke out.

The current status is that Oregon has divided into two by the 45th longitude, opposition to gay marriage has taken back the northern portion of the state, but the gay grip still remains firm in the south. It is rumored that the greater gay state of California is sponsoring the pro-gay marriage forces in Oregon illicitly, funneling in such gay equipment as Queer Eye for the Straight Guy: Season 1 on DVD, voluminous amounts of Gay Marriage for Dummies, and gay money.

The Anti-ists, as they are now referred to, patrol the ocean shores, deploying PT boats to spy on the Gay-ist opposition. Friday, an Anti-ist PT boat was fired upon and destroyed. Uproar did not go unheard and the Gulf of Honkin Resolution was the outcome, empowering the head of the Anti-ists, Leslie Benjamin Johansson to deploy forces and safeguard forces already in action.

"I despise these yellow bellied cocksuckers," replied Leslie Benjamin Johansson, 53, president of Anti Gay Marriage Cult, or A.G.M.C. "Going as far as wanting to marry, that is just despicable. Oregon will never be lost to bunch a homos who want a wedding. What they do not know is that we have sophisticated weaponry to combat them. We will use Agent Red to infect the fags with AIDS. Not every one of them will get it, but those little shifty boogers like to fool around and the disease will spread and they will die out. We must contain them before other states go and allow gays to marry, if this domino falls, the ones behind it will also."


The quagmire in Oregon remains stalemated. Leslie Benjamin Johansson has escalated troop involvement in Oregon, declaring it a must win situation for a "gay marriage free society". Guerilla tactics were implemented by the Gay-ist forces, hiding in fashionably decorated chalets and condominiums. Shipments of kevlon anal protectors were distributed amongst the Anti-ist forces, protecting them against the hit and go tactics that were being used against them.

"Me and my boys were in the bush one night," recalls Sgt. Kendall MacMurphy, 35, "and we were ambushed by a squad of them butt-fuckers. My men were screaming, the anguish caused by getting a quickie by them can cause severe mental and not to mention physical pain. I was lucky that night, I caught one port side, but if was not for my anal protector I don't know if I would still be here."

Public sediment back home has shifted with the momentum of the war. When things are looking bleak for the Anti-ists, protests for peace erupt simultaneously, but for the antithesis, parades welcoming heroes back pump out pride for the cause. "I support our boys over there in ‘Gon [Oregon as it is now called]," a vivacious Sally Herman, 87, announces, "I sit out on my porch everyday and wave my flag and yell phrases like ‘support the straight guys', ‘gun the gays', and my favorite, ‘Destroy, deploy, destruct, hurray. I don't want to see two fags all gooey eyed when I go the park, that place is for straight couples to make woopie and for me to look at flowers."

The Gay-ists launched their Chia Pet Offensive, but was repulsed by the Anti-ists. Reports are still hazy, but estimates project a stunning victory for the Anti-ists. Gay-ist forces even penetrated as far as the Oregon capitol and Anti-ist center for operations, Salem, but could maintain their momentum. This war is not over.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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