Written by Kent Pete
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Tuesday, 24 July 2007

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Juan Rodriguez, when he was a right evil bastard.

Two Sisters working out of St Joseph's Convert in the heart of London's East End have quite literally transformed the area of Tower Hamlet's over the last 6 months.

In an incredible statement Home Secretary Jacqui Smith claimed that Sister Theresa and Sister Mary from the Holy Order of Benedictine Nuns, had single handedly reduced drug related crime in London's East End by an amazing 85% since Christmas 2006.

Shouting from an upstairs bedroom window at Number 11, Downing Street,SW1A 2AJ, Ms Smith said, " These nuns are amazing, how they have done it God only knows, but we need more of these kinds of people in Britain today "

The bedroom window was then abruptly shut by a male hand. We can only assume that Ms Smith returned to performing some kind of lewd sex act on the new Chancellor of the Exchequer, Alistair Darling.

We sent our reporter Peter Musgrove to interview ex Columbian drug baron Juan Rodriguez outside his ground floor flat in Dalston, East London.

"I ran a drug cartel that operated the length and breadth of Britain. I was making upwards of $20 million dollars per week. I could have anything I wanted and believe me I wanted everything. But then one day I received a letter through the post from Sister Theresa telling me that what I was doing was wrong and that I faced an eternity in hell if I didn't change the way that I lived.

"To be honest it hit me like a bolt out of the blue. I had never really thought about the consequences of my actions here on earth. I certainly didn't realise I was heading for a dinner date with Beelzebub. I can't thank the Sisters enough for helping me turn my life around."

Mr Rodriguez then did a Bruce Forsyth "Thinker" pose and run back inside to make his wife a nice cup of tea.

We wanted our reporter to interview the two living saints that have brought great calm to the streets of East London. Sister Theresa and Sister Mary have recently taken a vow of silence and cannot speak to us until 10:30pm on the 12th of August 2012. However they were able to communicate to us through the use of their hands.

Our reporter, who it must be said, is not that well versed in International Sign Language, reported that the nuns had said, and we quote, "God is all powerful and can do mighty things if we let him work through us. And if any of you are passing a bakery could you get us each a Chicken and Mushroom Pasty and an iced bun as we haven't eaten in three days."

Believing that he was getting dragged into some kind of carbohydrate fuelled food orgy with an order of nuns our reporter made his excuses and left.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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