KuKamango, Afghanistan (IP) - Taliban Motor Works (TMW) has announced the introduction of a brand new van to be known as the Talivan and a sporty new 2-door sedan they will call the Insurgency 2008.
We were led into the air conditioned manufacturing facility by a handsomely uniformed TMW security person in full military regalia and on his side he carried a gold plated 1911 45 caliber semi-auto pistol. The automobile executives inside the office wore sharp looking white PLO shirts with the resplendently beautiful golden and ubiquitous AK-47 icon where the pocket would normally be placed.
Much to our amazement the office was outfitted with a full liquor bar and high fidelity bozo speakers continuously pumped out Arab rock-n-roll and on the large flat screen TV a soft porn movie was being shown. Their favorite TV show is "24" and they watch reruns as often as they pray. The secretaries wore short white tight fitting mini-skirts - skirts capable of making a Las Vegas call girl blush as well (not to mention a Baptist preacher away at a convention as well as any red-blooded meat eating politician) which accentuated their tanned olive skin and often their g-strings were clearly visible due to the shortness of their skirts and cleavage stood out smartly everywhere and indeed it made the heterosexually inclined members of our group feel a sudden weakness of the knees and suddenly we were all sweaty palmed and our heads pounded. Pork was also served openly to all.
Before this reporter could even ask, Ackmar Marwan Saheeb motioned knowingly with a wave of the hand and said, "you are about to ask me how is it that we have all of these things that the common people are so violently prohibited from owning and participating in themselves ?" Well we are just like you in the west in that our leader's philosophy is "do as we say and not as we do".
We were then escorted into a show room where they proudly described all of the new features of first their new SUV, The Talivan. The first item shown to us was the ignition switch which only allowed men to operate the vehicle. The vehicle had a built-in high explosive device for suicide missions that could create a huge explosion in air conditioned comfort at the mere push of a well hidden button. Also included was a seat belt which once locked could not be unlocked except by remote control in order to avoid unfavorable last second decisions by those who might waiver from their fatal mission. God be praised. The Talivan also comes complete with bullet proof glass and tires, side armor, GPS, SATNAV, anti-laser device and a flare launching system all designed to keep pesky Israeli and American or British planes from attacking the vehicles. Another feature allows pregnant women to drive the van as long as they are on a suicide mission. The Talivan comes in a choice of colors including camo, Desert Storm colors, or drab military olive and some come with a white roof to ward off the hot rays of the desert sun. One last feature was an anti-RF device which prohibited anti-terror forces from sweeping through all known radio frequencies which could destroy the vehicle before it could perform its mission.
Next was the Insurgency 2008 which was a sleek 2 door sports model capable of reaching speeds of 160 mph and could outrun most military vehicles and pilotless drones. It also comes with the standard features like plastic explosives, counter measures against missile attack, armor, and the same colors as the Talivan. Also included in both vehicles is a small oven where evidence can be destroyed before any impending search or inspection of the vehicles at military check points.
All in all these vehicles promise to bring the insurgent forces into the twenty first century and would give 007's vehicles a run for their money and if you need to ask how much these vehicles will set you back then obviously you either can not afford the cars or you are an infidel.