Written by Myles Higgins
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Topics: Canada, Newfoundland

Monday, 9 July 2007

image for Newfoundland and Labrador Announces Solution to Equalization Standoff with Ottawa
Artist's rendering of potential undercover operative

Today Danny Williams, the premier of Newfoundland and Labrador, unveiled a plan to resolve the ongoing standoff with Ottawa over control of offshore oil interests. The plan calls for an all out invasion of Canada after what Williams describes as 60 years of covert operations and decades of untold sacrifice by the province's citizens.

In the coming months Newfoundland and Labrador's secret army, trained at the countless abandoned federal military installations across the province, will invade Canada, take control of the government and form the new Country of Newfound Canada.

Smiling and appearing quite relaxed premier Williams asked those in attendance at the press conference, "Did you really think we planned to just leave after giving up so much to Canada or that we really have nearly 20% unemployment around here? All those people weren't working so they could train on a rotating basis. Today our forces stand at the ready."

The Premier went on to say the province's massive out-migration problem has been nothing more than the strategic placement of over 50,000 operatives in key installations throughout Canada.

Williams noted that the time for the final solution is now at hand, now that Newfoundland and Labrador's own, General Rick Hillier, has taken control of Canada's regular and reserve forces.

He went into great detail explaining how 30,000 fishermen would lead a naval assault on Cape Breton. He noted that since the people there have the same accent, many of the same cultural influences and similar federal issues as Newfoundland and Labrador. Because of this the people of Canada won't even notice the first wave.

Once Cape Breton is breeched it's a short march into the rest of the Atlantic Canada. The entire area is expected to fall within days as many of its citizens are already sympathetic to the province and are royally pissed at Canada.

"Once passing through Atlantic Canada the genius of the plan really takes flight", Williams went on.

The key will be to attack Ontario and Quebec immediately after the first major snowfall next winter. It's a well known fact that any snowfall of more than four inches will automatically bring these provinces to their knees and force them to call in military support.

General Rick Hillier's military.

As the snow flies and soldiers take up position in the city centers an operative at the Churchill Falls hydro plant in Labrador will be given a signal, directly from the secret headquarters high atop Signal Hill, to flip the switch and plunge much of North America's eastern seaboard into total darkness.

This, according to the premier, is a cue for Rex Murphy, who will have taken control of the national broadcasting service, to go on the air and reassure the general public that the "power failure is merely the result of the inclement maelstrom of precipitation tumbling unceasingly to the firmament" (the snowfall), and there is nothing to worry about. He will advise them to remain in their homes and stay off the streets while the military brings the situation under control.

It is expected that the governments of Canada's two largest provinces will welcome the armed forces and give them free reign on the streets of Toronto, Montreal and Ottawa (perhaps even providing snow shovels).

Once Ottawa falls the nation itself will be firmly under Newfoundland's control.

While clearly proud of the plan Premier Williams isn't taking all the credit. He freely admits that the idea was developed three years before Newfoundland became a part of Canada.

It seems the idea was drafted during a covert weekend meeting at the metropolitan lounge and casino in downtown Gambo. There Joey Smallwood and two of his closest supporters formulated the plan on the back of a purity biscuit box, a box that has been stored in a secret vault on Confederation Hill ever since.

From those humble beginnings grew a complex tapestry of lies and deceptions, of cunning exploits and acts of heroism that could not be spoken of outside the province, until today.

It was this secret plan that started the province on the road to Confederation, a road taken for the express purpose infiltrating and ultimately taking over Canada.

"It goes without saying that much of the credit belongs to every Newfoundlander and Labradorian who sacrificed for years inside Canada waiting for this moment to arrive", Williams said.

"After decades of seeing our best young men and women leave the nation of Newfoundland and Labrador in preparation for this day, the wait is over."

"The vast oil complexes of Alberta have been infiltrated. The chemical and aerospace industries of Ontario and Quebec have been infiltrated. Media, military, universities and factories from one end of Canada to the other have been infiltrated. In fact, there is not one part of Canada, including its government that has not been fully infiltrated by the province's operatives."

"The plan will succeed, of that there is no doubt. It has been too well orchestrated not to."

When asked if he was concerned that divulging so much information would give Canada an opportunity to preempt the attack Williams was quick to respond.

"Not at all, the people of Canada never listen to anything said down east and the few who do listen don't pay any attention to it. They'll just see it as some sort of joke, just like they see everything east of Quebec. I'll bet they won't even realize the takeover is complete until they see the Pink, White and Green flag raised over the Parliament building the day after the big storm."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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