Written by B. Elliot Stern
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Topics: Iraq, Hair

Sunday, 8 February 2004

image for U.S. To Outlaw Facial Hair In Iraq
President Bush Vows To Start Cleaning Up Iraq

In an effort to start "cleaning up" Iraq, President Bush announced today that facial hair would no longer be permitted on any Iraqi citizen.

During a speech in South Carolina, Bush unveiled his plans for what his administration is calling Operation Shit, Shower and Shave.

"For centuries, Iraqi men and women have been known for their unkempt beards and mustaches. In order for Iraq to move forward as a democratic nation, they need to start looking like clean-cut upstanding citizens and show some respect for themselves by showering and shaving on a regular basis. Last night I placed a call to my good friend, James Kilts, CEO of the Gillette Corporation, and he has pledged his full support to this initiative by agreeing to provide free razors to all the men and women of Iraq," said Bush.

President Bush also unveiled part two of Operation Shit, Shower and Shave, which he hopes to implement by the end of 2004.

"Getting rid of the facial hair is just step one in my plan to clean up Iraq. Phase two involves outfitting all Iraqis with clothing that doesn't look like some bed sheet from a college kid's bunk. With that in mind, I have granted my hunting buddy Lou Jones, owner of Lou's Boot Barn & Western Wear in Crawford franchising rights throughout Iraq to open a line of his stores. Lou is known for not only great prices but great quality throughout Crawford, and I expect in time, the Iraqi people will discover the same," added Bush.

Angry protesters took to the streets of Baghdad to denounce the no facial hair policy. Shopkeeper Aazaad el Amin said: "I've had this mustache and beard since I was seven years old, and for the United States to come in here and tell me I must shave it off is a jihad against my basic human rights. Worse than anything I ever experienced under Saddam."

Despite the protests, U.S. officials are moving forward with the operation and expect the first shipment of razors to arrive in Iraq sometime next week.

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