Written by Le Captain
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Topics: Aliens, Earth

Saturday, 12 May 2007

image for UFOs Turn Away - "Earth's Crap"
Earth - 'Crap'

A fleet of UFOs have been spotted heading away from Earth and towards the constellation of Funster Centauri, citing Earth's 'crapness' as the main reason for the retreat.

Boffins and eggheads at the Kaleidoscope Observatory in Texas saw the spaceships perform a faster-than-light U-turn just outside Earth's dullosphere, the region of the ionosphere which protects the planet from levity.

A strange metallic voice, believed to emanate from inside the Boss Craft, beamed a message to anxious researchers on the ground, stating: "Earthlings - you are becoming fart-like. We had hoped great things for you. When we set up Experiment Eden over sixty thousand million billion trillion a hundred years ago, we thought you would create a planet of japes and jocund joviality, but we were wrong.

"You have let us down. We are sad that this is so, but we must now depart. We leave you with your petty squabbles, your wars and your terrible television programmes such as 'The Jeremy Kyle Show'. On second thoughts, scrub the last bit - we shall return and drop a piano on top of Jeremy. We're not THAT bad, you know".

Religious leaders have had mixed reactions to the cosmic U-turn. The Rev Brimstone Firebrand of the Church Of The Furious Megaphones said, "We're glad to see the back of these green-eyed bugs. It's about time they left us alone, so we can concentrate on making our own mess. Which of us needs 'em? Say, who stole my golden wig??? I paid good money for that, and..." Swami Jungleboots Rhizome of the Children Of The Offshore Bank Accounts added, "I'm not sure... Where am I? Does anyone have the time?".

A spokesperson for the Union Of Strange Entities From Other Worlds And Allied Van Drivers declined to comment, giving "being fatuous" as the main reason.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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