Written by SamIAm
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Tuesday, 3 April 2007

image for Terrorist Kills No One and Wounds No One In Daring Rubber Band Shooting Rampage
Al Spankma Salami, 34, downloading "How to Shoot Rubber Bands Really Hard" from the internet.

New York City - The hapless terrorist, Al Spankma Salami, once again showed the world how inept he was after viciously attacking a Star Trek convention with rubber bands.

Salami, the terrorist who, only years earlier, had planned to fly a hang glider into the side of a New York City skyscraper, and only months ago failed to suicide-bomb a hotel full of "capitalists" after stubbing his toe, now tried a different approach - shooting innocent attendees at a Star Trek convention with red, green and blue rubber bands.

"We were listening to Leonard Nemoy, the guy who played Spock, speak," said Dennis Vincent, 23, a Star Trek fan since the age of 22. "Suddenly, I heard someone say, 'Death to America! Long live Abba!' Then it was chaos."

Vincent says that he heard people say, "Hey! Cut it out man!" and "That stings, you butthole! Knock it off!"

Reportedly, Salami wore a belt lined with rubber bands, and was pulling them off and shooting them with "surprising speed".

"You could tell the guy had practiced," said Pricinda Jones, another attendee of the convention. "He probably got off a good two shots a second. And he was accurate too."

Salami succeeded in using all the rubber bands on the belt, and seemed surprised that no one had died.

"I do not understand," he said to reporters after being arrested. "I even used the double-twist technique I learned on the internet that is supposed to give the rubber bands more power. But it was unsuccessful. Why has Abba forsaken me? Why?"

Salami reported that even when he shot a "sissy American man" point-blank in the face it only left a red welt, causing the "sissy American man" to kick Salami's rubber band-shooting ass.

"Just wait until I get my hands on that banana truck!" A handcuffed Salami cried out. "I will crash it in the busiest place in America and watch as you all slip and fall (hopefully on your heads) and die! Then you will see the power of Abba!"

Salami was later released by officials who said they looked forward to his next attack and that the world could use another laugh.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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