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Saturday, 17 March 2007

image for New Book By Distinguished British Historian Proves Jimmy Carter Was KGB Mole
Photograph of the real James Earl Carter taken in front of his trailer in Pascagoula, Mississippi.

In a book to be released today, Distinguished British Historian Hugh Trevor Jones-Smith argues that Jimmy Carter was a KGB Mole.

According to his book titled "The Insidious Peanut Farmer", Jimmy Carter is actually KGB Colonel Konstantin Karterski who was born in Murmansk on May 13, 1921.

Mr. Jones-Smith's book unravels a brilliant KGB plot that came within a hairs' breadth of winning the Cold War. The KGB bribed the admissions counselor of the real James Earl Carter's High School to send an inflated transcript to the US Naval Academy to ensure admission. The real James Earl Carter was then kidnapped, lobotomized, and resettled in a new location under an assumed name so that Karterski could take his place at Annapolis. After graduation, Karterski's seven years in the Navy dueing which time he passed along to the KGB useful classified information on the design and deployment of USN nuclear subs. Fearing that his cover had beem compromised, the KGB ordered Karterski to resign his commission and return to Plains Georgia. Here, disguised as peanut farmer, Karterski remained useful to the KGB by passing on important American agricultural innovations unknown in the Soviet Union such as plowing, weeding, and spraying for insects.

It is at this point that Karterski, upon instructions from the KGB, entered politics in order to undermine the United States. Karterski's election to the Presidency of the United States in 1976 stunned the KGB. Jones-Smith' book reports that on the night of Karterski's election victory gallons of vodka and liters of Champaign were consumed in toasts in the Kremlin and Lubyanka to the now all but certain victory over America.

Karterski was very successful in following KGB instructions: he allowed the Communist controlled Sandinistas gain control in Nicaragua; ceded the strategically important Panama Canal to Panama; and, ensured that the United States did not threaten Soviet policy in Afghanistan.

However, the KGB underestimated Karterski's brilliance.

This was to have unexpected and deadly consequences.

The KGB instructed Karterski to de-stabilize Iran so that the Iranian Communist Party could eventually take control. Karterski's plan was so successful that the Shah was deposed before the Iranian Communists were ready to seize the reigns of power. Subsequently an Islamic Fundamentalist regime took power and brutally liquidated the Iranian Communist Party.

Karterski was instructed to destabilize the American economy. He did this brilliantly through policies that led to double-digit inflation and unemployment. This was to have fatal repercussions for the KGB and the Soviet Union. Having proven themselves stupid beyond the KGB's wildest dreams through electing Karterski President in 1976, the American voter confounded the KGB by removing Karterski from office in 1980. Jones-Smith cites subsequent KGB analysis that revealed that Karterski had been too successful in undermining the American economy thus causing the American voter to repudiate his policies, and replace him with Ronald Regan, whose policies led to the eventual demise of Soviet Russia.

However, the KGB was not done with Karterski. There was an effort by the KGB to revive Karterski by increasing his prestige through the awarding of the Nobel Peace Prize. This action backfired because it not only failed to raise Karterski's status, but led to an erosion of the prestige of this award.

Karterski still remains active, but his glory days are past. Occasionally, He does useful work for the KGB such as certifying Chavez's obviously fraudulent election in Venezuela as "fair," but this is a long way to fall for someone who was once the KGB's top agent.

In a phone conversation, Mr. Jones-Smith provided some additional information.

"The actions of Jimmy Carter speak for themselves. Could they have been undertaken by any true American with intelligence above that of a rock? Carter's policies make sense only if they were carried out by a KGB Mole."

When questioned about concrete proof on the substitution of Karterski for the real Carter Mr. Jones-Smith answered:

"Look at Jimmy Carter? Look at Billy Carter? Is there any way they could be brothers? Is there any way a hick from Plains Georgia could graduate from the US Naval Academy? I rest my case."

Mr. Jones-Smith also provided information on the faith of the real James Earl Carter.

"He is living in a trailer park in Pascagoula Mississippi with his seventh wife, three children, five grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and four children whose exact relationship to him remains to be determined."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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