Written by Jalapenoman
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Sunday, 11 March 2007

image for Easter Island Statues Actually Petrified Peeps
What happens to peeps when they don't get eaten

Archaeologists on Easter Island have made an incredible discovery in relation to the large statues. They have learned through research and chemical analysis that the large faces are actually petrified peeps (the Easter candy). Scientists assumed for years that the statues were actually carved from local volcanic rock, but no one ever bothered to test the chemical make-up of the rock.

Rock Newton, head of the project and Professor at the University of California at Granola spoke with reporters via a computer down-link: "Yes, we have verified that the statues are actually petrified Easter Candy."

"We have a few theories on how this actually happened. Have you ever accidentally dropped a marshmallow into a campfire? It grows to several times it's size and turns a darkened color before cooling and getting hard. We believe that the same thing happened with peeps candies brought to the island by the Easter Bunny hundreds of years ago."

"Though they were cut off from civilization, the children still received visits from the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, and the Tooth Fairy."

"Arizona has a huge area called the Petrified Forest where entire trees turned to stone. Is it too hard to believe that the same thing could happen to holiday confections? No one really ever eats those things anyway."

"We've also determined that the light sheen on them that was originally thought to be moss is actually the original coloring. You know, you can buy peeps in pink, yellow, blue, orange, or green and those are the same tints on some of the statues."

"We used to think these were some kind of totems or Gods or something to the native islanders. We never thought that they were really just holiday leftovers. We're wondering now which other famous landmarks are actually made of uneaten holiday food. What if Stonehenge is really just a pile of old fruitcakes?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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