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Friday, 9 March 2007

image for Fishermen must "embrace the suck" of a colossal squid
Calamari fisherman after being squeezed by colossal squid had to "embrace the suck" of the situation to survive

Fishermen from New Zealand fishing the cold waters of Antarctica's Lost Sea were surprised last month after their small fishing boat hooked what turned out to be the world's largest known colossal squid ever caught.

A two-hour ordeal for fishermen of the "Nautilus" to reel the giant creature on board, several men got entangled in the monster's heavy tentacles and had to "embrace the suck" of their very grave situation enduring it long enough to be cut loose.

"It was like no other suck I've ever had before," said fisherman Jacques Jones. "I was near death."

The colossal squid, or Mesonychoteuthis Hamiltoni calamari was reported to have eyes as wide as saucers and sharp hooks on some of its suckers used to puncture the skin of fishermen. This particular squid was a male and weighed in at 990 pounds (450 kilograms), or a half-ton. If it were a female, it might weigh twice as much. That's why males are always on top in colossal squid sex.

The sea monster was reported to have become entangled in the fishermen's lines while feeding on Patagonian toothfish and mermaids without pubic hair in the Lost Sea. After the squid was on deck, fishermen cut the squid open only to find the remnants of Captain Nemo inside the squid's belly cavity. Identity of Nemo was confirmed after doing DNA testing on the remains.

The rest of the squid was put on ice and chopped up for calamari. A squid this size can feel an entire third world nation for almost two weeks. The captain and his crew are planning another trip back to the Lost Sea to fish for more of the giant creatures after at short break at home spending time with family and bar patrons telling their story. Book deals are already being discussed.

When asked what they might use as bait for their next fishing venture, the fishermen said, "people who eat calamari."

In other news today, President Bush encounters trouble from the deep; is not welcome in Latin America.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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